If you are struggling today with Alcoholism or Addiction, please read this. Today is just another day. But it is another day in which I have been sober for six months (182 days precisley) Consecutively. To say six months is a miracle, I feel does God and what He, She, It, whatever, has done in my life a disservice.
For me, drinking had become an around the clock Marathon of how much pain and misery could I put my mind, body, and soul through before I blacked out or died. I lost all the jobs; I lost a business, I wrecked cars and relationships. I couldn’t see my kids, and I couldn’t even look at myself. I wouldn’t sleep most nights because night time was my favorite time to drink no pesky people or sun beating in through my bedroom window to burn the flesh from my eyes. I could sit in my self made hell prison and drink, thinking of all the ways the world did me wrong and judging everyone for their mistakes.
My mind had been lost; I hadn’t showered in weeks, the only reason I ever had to leave the house was to go to the liquor store. And that was a nightmare; I would shake and sweat as I dumped change on the counter and waited for the liquor store attendant to count it out, making sure all $6 were there so that I could take my pathetic plastic 5th of vodka home and find oblivion again.
My life was lost, I was waiting to die. I prayed most nights that I wouldn’t wake up. That was six months ago, on July 11th, 2018 God intervened in my life, and for some reason, the desire to die an alcoholic death left me. The desire to live had returned, as only a speck of light. And the first few days the journey was miserable as I walked towards that light. I was terrified and sick as the alcohol detoxed from my body. I had a panic attack every time I walked out my front door. It was Providence that saved me. With a day under my belt, I made a phone call to a friend in the program of AA. He invited me to a meeting where he suggested I get a sponsor and the guy he suggested, I asked.
I was so desperate not to die another day that I would do anything, even if it meant working a spiritual program and asking for help.
Well, I can tell you, and if you read any of my other posts, you will see. My life has completely changed today. I have found a passion and excitement for living I never thought possible all because of working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have found a new purpose for my life. I have written in spurts my whole life mainly drunken nonsense, never really thinking that being a writer was a path for me. I just couldn’t see it at the time. It wasn’t until I got clear about my life and decided that I wasn’t going to waste another second of my life doing something I hated just to make money. I decided I was going to do what I love no matter what and allow God to continue to take care of me and bless my life.
I have worked harder writing in the last three months than I have in my entire life and I have loved every second. There has been fear and doubt, but the love was there. My first two months of writing I published two books in my third month of writing, which is this month. I am working on my 3rd book, while also maintaining a daily ritual of blogging, again something I had no idea I would love until I started it. All because of AA and working the steps. I know that if I stop working the program, I will find myself right back in my bed shaking, throwing up and dying.
I don’t want that anymore, I want to live, and I am learning that living is uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes it’s stinky and nasty, and I want to run from it. But I am also learning that if I stand and face it, not alone anymore, but with my friends family and God, then I grow into the person I was always meant to be.
I am actively pursuing growth every day now because I know that It is the key to true happiness and freedom in life. It is why I started the series: How I Write a Love Story. Not because I love to write love stories but because they terrify me and I think I suck at them. But I know it is a crucial element in writing good fiction. So, then I will do it. Just like I will get on my knees and pray every day, exercise every day, call my sponsor every day, go to a meeting every day, meditate every day, and try and be of service every day. Because that is what keeps me sober and that is the only reason I am breathing and living a life I never thought possible today.
I have been told my whole life that practice makes perfect, well excuse my french, but that is BULLSHIT! There is no such thing as perfect, we are all human and to be human is to “ERR.” What I know today is that practice can only make one thing and that is Improvement, and as long as I am improving, I am living and no longer Dying.
Thanks for reading.
If you are struggling please feel free to reach out for help, I will answer to the best of my ability sharing what ever experience, hope, and strength I can. Your life is worth living and you are worthy of a good life.