When was the last time you were told “No” to something you really wanted out of life? Who told you no? Did it stop you?
I have spent my life being laughed at, looked at sideways, and told that it wouldn’t happen or it can’t happen. “You’re too fat; you’re too stupid, you don’t have what it takes to open that business or write that book. You will never make it to college or through college. No one is going to give you a scholarship to play football. Not everyone is meant to be a millionaire Matt. Not everyone gets to enjoy the work they do every day, work isn’t supposed to be fun.” And all the other crap I have been told about growing up.
Get a real job. What the hell does that mean? So, it’s only a real job if I am miserable every day and I have to answer to some person whose mood dictates the state of my day and lively hood.
Someone telling me I can’t do something has always been great fuel for my fire to move me forward. I have always been inclined to prove others wrong, defiant of their ideas of what I was capable of.
Personal story: As a kid I was extremely overweight and not the best student. This led to alot of teachers and other people pingeon holing me into the category of special needs. I was tested multiple times for some sort of mental retardation. Which, writing it now seems really strange, but there yeah go.
The reality was, that, at home I was 1 of 5 children growing up in an abusive alcoholic house where everyone was scared and unsure of what to do. We were all in survival mode and for me that meant complete and utter mental shut down. I ate my feelings, anything and everything I could find. I was fat and “stupid” now but in reality I was terrified. I was bullied and picked on at school for the clothes I wore, because we were poor, and the fact that I was 100lbs heavier and a foot taller than all the other kids in my class.
At home it was just as bad, everyone receded into their hiding places when they got home for fear of being seen. Leaving 7yr-old me to fend for myself and search for love in food and television. It sucked, and it was no ones fault, we were all trying our best. But, this led to alot of challenges, alot of people that wanted to tell me “No” in my life. It was frustrating at first and I would say, “ok, fine, I won’t try”. But, as I grew older and stronger, and starting playing sports I began taking responsibilty for my own life, things began to shift.
All those “No’s” starting to become “Maybe’s” and I was able to move forward a little further, then a little more. Until, eventually the “No” became a “Yes.”
This worked great for quite a while, then it stopped working. The people who had picked on me and tormented me were gone now and I had lots of love in my life. People weren’t telling me “No” anymore, they were saying, “go for it.”
This is where my life snagged.
I had become so dependent on defiance, and others doubt to fuel me, that when it was gone I was left with my own thoughts, and the person I had defiantly become.
Unfortunatley, it was not the person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be a football player or a Salesman. Money was not attractive to me in the sense that I had to have it by any means necessary. I was 28 and all the work I had done to change my life had now all but seemed meaning less.
I was unhappy and miserable, and noone was picking on me or telling me I couldn’t do something. It wasn’t until I got quiet and heard my inner voice, the one that is always talking. It was scary at first, I hadn’t ever really listened to him or thought I was atleast. But, he had been directing all my moves. He was the one saying “No” now, my subconcious was now my greatest detractor. I was bullying and terrorizing myself to the point of wanting to give up on life.
That voice inside was telling me, “you have to work harder in the gym show everyone you’re not fat anymore; you have to have the corporate job, house and two cars show everyone you are not stupid anymore.”
The voice was proding me along everyday, saying “Your no good, your to lazy, fat and stupid. You deserve to suffer, you deserve to be miserable.” It was like I had adopted all the voices of the people from my youth and turned them into a horrible monster to live in my head.
I had to break the curse, and thank God I have. I break it everyday.
Let me tie this up here. So in the beginning I asked, if you have been told no in your life? Are you allowing people to stop you from what you want to do?
I am writing this to tell everyone that, doing what you want, having what you want, and being what you want in life has absolutely nothing to do with anyone but you.
Once I realized the only person that was stopping me was me and if I changed my inner voice of defiance and doubt to love and growth then my world changed.
I don’t give two handsome donkey turds If a publisher, litterary agent, parent, friend or the freaking Pope tells me they don’t think what I am doing is right or that I will fail. I really don’t, and I hope you won’t either.
Because, as long as the voice inside me has ceased the war with myself, I can conquer any battle and move forward into a free and wonderful life.
The greatest enemy we face is not outside of us, it is not another person. The greatest enemy we face resides in all of us, trying to tear us apart. I have to come to peace with that demon in me that wants to watch me suffer. Because once I do the world opens up to me and there is absolutely nothing I can’t accomplish. – Rhett Smiley.
Go after what ever it is you want, no matter how big and crazy your dream sounds to other’s or even to you sometimes. It is YOUR dream, given only to you, and only you can bring it to life. So, choose life. Choose to hear the “Yes” in your life.
You can have whatever you want out of life, have the courage to ignore all the no’s and come live your dream.
I am, and it is so much freaking, speaking, deaking better. Thank God.
Have a good day.