The Grind

I want to write about “The Grind” something that gets thrown around a lot today.  From athletes to businessmen and women to even those on a supposed spiritual walk.

We attempt to Grind out the last rep, the last phone call the last email or last few words.

I am in a constant mindset of working to earn my achievement and believe that the only way to happiness and success is to Grind and work harder than anyone around me.

To wear myself down to that Ground up nub.  To push myself further than I thought possible, to reach as high as humanly possible to attain the thing that I am craving so desperately that I forgo sleep and relationships.

To move in the direction of my own success for fear that I was put here for the mission to be the greatest writer, the greatest movie star, the richest businessman. all the While I am Grinding my life down to the nub, thinking that once I become this person or have this thing I will essentially prove the worth that I believed I had all along.

Whether it be to myself or to others, it will no longer be in question because the shavings of my success will have been ground out in a path leading to the mountain top, so that people can say “That’s Matt’s Grind right there,”  and I can finally breathe because I did it.

I proved I belong.  I proved I was worthy all along.  I proved them all wrong.  I earned my trophy, it was not handed to me simply for showing up.  I earned it with blood, sweat, and tears.

That is why we Grind, right?  We want that.  We want to prove to ourselves or others, “look what I did, right? Look who I became, from where I was.”

Is that it?

Do we see ourselves so unworthy that we must wear ourselves down to the marrow of our essence to prove to the world that we belong?

I can not pretend that this Grind did not have me.  It stabbed in skewered me, took me hostage broke me down and raised me up to believe it was the only way.

That only by Grinding the 9-5 to Grinding on every rep and little sleep that I could earn my worth that in effect I could acquire my salvation with sweat equity.

That I could punish the impurities out of my life and Grind them down till the only thing left standing was a shinning version of the man I thought deserved a good life and even a good afterlife.

I have starved myself, went days without sleep.  I have taken on more responsibilities and tasks than humanity capable of handling all in the name of “The Grind” and when the accomplishments mounted and the Grind was wearing down the wrong parts of me I wanted it all to end.

I thought, “But I worked so hard and did so much, I gave everything I had in the name of moving upwards in this life.  Why, am I sick and broken?  Why do I want to die?”

As I cried about the life I had made and felt sick for all the mistakes I had made Grinding on to the bitter end to a success I could never reach.

I realized, there is no price to be paid.

No sweat or blood to be given.

I have no business straining and dying for the right to live.

I am already alive.

I have already arrived.

I am here, now.

There is no reason to strive.

To move so hard and so fast towards something already passed.

I think I must earn my way when my way has already been paid.

I give up the Grind and I forget about Me, I am not real.  It is only an illusion you see.

I am nothing, yet still the eternal something.

I am not Me

It’s not.

Grind if you must but remember this.  You can not attain something that doesn’t exist.