I Don’t know what the Hell I’m doing.

monochrome photo of a man hiding his face
Photo by Wallace Chuck on Pexels.com

Big surprise I’m sure. Matt has no idea what’s going on. No answers or solutions to any of the problems facing him today.  Honestly, for the past few days I have felt lost, completely for the most part disconnected from the source. This after feeling so absolutely connected only days prior.  It absolutely blows, it feels like sadness, loneliness, being incomplete and unworthy.  Days in which I feel lost and I don’t know are like days I’m searching for air and it’s nowhere to be found.  How can I go from a place of deep knowing and understanding of feeling so convinced that the path I’m on is correct and im  doingthe right things, to “where am I and what is this place?”

Logically it makes no sense, what I’m really saying is it’s nonsense. “I should know, I should always know, I am the great and powerful Bing bong after all.” (A name I gave myself to play with the sillyness of the importance of who I think I am).  But I think I should always know and yet I have fallen in love with the feeling of discovery, which would be impossible if I always knew, what a lame paradox or a saving Grace.

I don’t know and that’s the point of this writing. I get caught up alot in thinking I have the answers because you know who is worthy in society in this physical world, strippers… No… Kinda… But not right now, problem solvers and as a man with an ego bigger than I deserve I want to be that problem solver in all instances.  You know what feels really good right now is saying I don’t know, I have no freaking clue about what’s coming, or what’s going for that matter I only know that I don’t… Know.  Ahhhh, freedom.  That’s right I have now idea and as much as I’d like one I would really like to not care for a bit. I spend alot of time caring actively for how I treat people and myself, how I Love and connect and discipline myself to be on the correct path.

The real issue is I say I’d like to not care but that’s not true and not even possible, I care like a real mother Terresa, oh what a world.

What a world indeed.  We are playing the cosmic peek-a-boo.  The knowing we are one with God followed by the Vail covering our Real Eyes from God all so that we can be in Bliss of the return to seeing God. A fascinating display of the search for fullness in this life.  I don’t know so that I may know is the most spiritual way I know of saying it.  I don’t know so that I may be in awe of the discovery all over again.

However, this will eventually come to an end when I decide that being in the presence of God is more satisfying and more fulfilling than discovering God over and over again.  I believe this is part of the spiritual maturation that takes place throughout life.

The great mystery of Who or what is God is as simple as this: to know God one must know themselves.  If the evidence of God is not apparent it’s because we are looking to far out and not deep within. Usually when the answer is right in front of our face or in this case is our face it’s to personal to believe.

God is who you are. Because God is who I Am.  We know this and we forget this, so that we may know this again. It’s a lovely game of peek-a-boo or hide and seek. Either way the truth remains there is no problem outside of me if there is peace with in.

So not knowing is a part of the journey, not a part from the journey. Don’t fear not knowing like I so obviously have it’s the reason I began writing this morning, the fear can lead to solution if I see it through.

I must be willing to be lost so that I may be found.

Enjoy the podcast.





Published by Matthew Whiteside

I am a writer, a storyteller, a yarn-spinning freakazoid. My life is full of two things today, lessons and blessings. I write fiction mostly but I also love to write about my life and the things I go through on a daily basis. Writing it out inspires and motivates me and that's why I do it. Plus if it does that for me maybe it will for someone else too.

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