Hello there, my name is Matt. I am in a state of upheaval and chaotic mental insanity. What’s your name?
Last night after all my praying an meditating, my meetings and writing. After all the talking and work I had done spiritually, I wanted to lose my mind. I wanted it to just poof and disappear for a bit while I sucked so hard at something.
I started a new job last night and it was chaotic not just for me but for all those involved, it was a real wild night and my head was spinning.
Multiple times during the night I thought “nope, no way this is not for me. I can just be homeless or live in the woods or something.”
Seriously, It was pretty rough. But it was not honestly that bad what made it suck so much was my lack of skills for the tasks required at the speed that was being asked to carry them out.
I was simply not up to the task and that did not feel good at all. I felt so lousy about my self when I was done, I came home ate something and fell asleep without really speaking to anyone.
No one likes to feel like they suck at anything at least I don’t, my precious ego hates it. But damn it if it’s not absolutely necessary for my growth.
I have to be willing to suck at things to grow, If I allow myself to feel shame for not being perfect the first time I do something then I might as well just hang it up and call it a life because I will never attempt another thing again.
The reality is I am fine, last night was fine. No one but ME (my ego) expected ME (my ego) to be perfect. They all thought I did a great job in the chaos of the night.
But I can allow my own mind to get trapped in a mental quicksand and begin to believe that because it was difficult and I sucked at it the first time then I will never be any good.
I know that is not true. What is true of everything I have ever done in my life is that it takes time to learn and grow to be better.
When I was a kid it took me a while to learn how to read and write, I couldn’t do it at all for the longest time or so it seemed. Now I am amazing at reading and writing, especially Wrighting (I spelled that how I wanted damn it).
Or learning to ride a bike or hitting a baseball or driving a car or using a computer or breakdancing or chicken fighting, etc…
Whatever it is that I do in my life now without a second thought was once an impossible suck on this shit kind of hard. It is just the way we are as humans, skills take time to acquire.
Sometimes, I get so into my feelings I allow them to pull me down and keep me down. Well, I ain’t about that life no more.
I am willing to suck and suck and suck until I don’t suck any more or until I get fired, haha which I have never been fired from a job fun fact, but I can no longer pretend like I am the best at everything.
Part of living an honest life is staying honest with my self without condemning who I am. I am a new person each day and each moment as I grow.
If I am not willing to suck then I am not willing to grow and if I do not grow I am only existing and waiting to be buried.
That kind of life sucks harder than sucking hard, trust me I tried it. I hid from the world and the challenges of life for way too long and it was hell on earth.
While misery was absolutely present last night I know it was the pain of growing and not the pain of dying.
So, Suck my friends Suck on your life, suck at your life, suck it until you don’t suck at it anymore and then enjoy as you help other suckers suck their way to the top.
LOL… that was great.
What do you suck at? Have you ever done something that you sucked at so bad you quit immediately? Do you regret quitting that sucky thing?