How Did I Get Here?

person wearing shirt standing near tree
Photo by Alex Smith on

Some Mornings I wake up with a sense of dread, of terrified forboding that some unseen boogeyman is waiting for me just around the corner.

That the idea of my security and my survival is in immediate peril.

When I wake up like this It’s hard to shake, like trying to run from your shadow the damn thing just sticks to you.

I feel the need to run.  To hide from the feeling that is pressing on me.  It scares the shit out of me.

I wonder in this time: “How the hell did I get here?”  And of course, I mean the proverbial here as I have not physically gone anywhere new.

I still reside in the same room day after day that I spent in my Alcoholic prison, dying from the poison I was drinking.

Now, however, I am thriving in the same space in which I was dying.

I look back over the last 8 months at what I have produced, at the content that has spewed from me and think…


It is times like this when I look back that the wheels on the grocery cart that I sit in flying down the hill start to rattle a little louder than my joy and laughter.

When I remind myself of the foundation being laid at my feet I wonder if its a strong one or if it is simply old rusty grocery cart wheels.

I have written over 100 articles on my blog, published 2 books, created a podcast, 2 YouTube Channels and interviewed over 35 of my peers in the last 5 months.

The numbers baffle me, I was dead 8 months ago in every sense of the word besides a barely beating heart.

Here I am.  Afraid…

It seems strange that I could have fear now, after that.  But, I do.

The fear now is to never go back to that place.  The fear now is can I maintain this without losing my sanity?

Then I remember, I am only here because of my higher power.  The things that have been done in my life while I may have been physically producing them, did not come from me.

It is why I am in such awe of it because it wasn’t me.

To think that I ever had control of the Grocery cart was insane.  I am just enjoying the ride.  It is only when I think I am steering the damn thing that my mind begins to tremble.

I am along for the ride. I give it to God today because I am not all powerful and I can not do anything separate from God.

So, I will admit to my fear.  I will accept it for what it is.  I will let go of my idea of control. I will continue to enjoy the ride God has put me on and Trust that where ever it is leading me is where I am meant to be.

Fear will not rule me, It is not my master any longer.  Fear is my tool now to see more than I was capable of seeing before.


Published by Matthew Whiteside

I am a writer, a storyteller, a yarn-spinning freakazoid. My life is full of two things today, lessons and blessings. I write fiction mostly but I also love to write about my life and the things I go through on a daily basis. Writing it out inspires and motivates me and that's why I do it. Plus if it does that for me maybe it will for someone else too.

7 thoughts on “How Did I Get Here?

  1. Love the grocery cart metaphor. Changing our relationship with fear is a very conscious effort. We need to see fear as an opportunity to become better than before, rather than a time to runaway and hide. Unless there is an actual boogeyman. Even then, size him up. You just might be able to whoop his butt.

    Liked by 1 person

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