What if I can’t? This question is a spell, a curse, a limitation that until now has gone undiagnosed in my own psyche as a part of me. What if I can’t, made so much sense and gave me so many logical reasons that made sense to my brain. The reasons of why I can’t be a writer, “you aren’t smart enough, you don’t have anything interesting to say and writing is hard, you’re no R. L. Stein.” What if I can’t pay my bills? The crazy thing is that I do pay my bills, and on time for that matter. I don’t miss payments I am not in some massive amount of debt, yet my mind is willing to create an almost unlimited number of stories, (see why I can be a writer, because I already make up stories an infinite amount daily) for the sole purpose of keeping me right where I am.
Of course, I can pay my bills doing something different. Not only something different but by doing the thing I love. I pay my bills by doing what I hate, what if I can’t, is a liar. What if I can’t, is the same person that says “I am not enough.” Well, I am calling bullshit on these stories, and I am calling them out for the beggars and liars they are. As I sit here and think about quitting my day job, Wednesday is my last day, the voice screams “What if I can’t make it as a writer or speaker?” It is loud, it is scared, it shakes me and gives me goosebumps (thanks R.L.), but if I listen close and do not immediately agree with the voice that says, “What if I can’t” I hear another voice, not as loud but so full of calm, love and serenity I can feel its truth in every word when it says in response, “You Can.”
Every time “What if,” comes up the second more knowing voice say’s “I Can.” Isn’t that something?
It has been there all along I am sure, but only recently have I made any attempt to listen to it past the fear of the first story. The second voice knows the truth. The truth that I am already taken care of and the only thing holding me back is my death grip on an old story that tells me life must be a certain way, “here is the system that works for the majority of people, stick to that or die.” But it doesn’t have to be true for me, for you or for anyone that doesn’t believe it because that story is not the one that I want to live.
I can hear a different calling for my life, I can feel a different calling for my life. It is inside me and always has been. Yet, the scared voice of decades of others scared programming leads me here. I must have the faith in my inner voice, the one that knows with the stillness of the infinite space of the universe.
Its like, “oh you think you can’t do something, no, that’s not true, you absolutely can and if you want to, will.” It just knows and as I write this, I know how right it is. I see how silly it was for me to believe this limiting story, this limiting voice that says “What if you can’t?”
I am a silly person though and that is another gift of mine. The beauty of realizing this is that now anytime that voice of fear pops up I know I can wait a moment and the voice of my heart, that is connected to the source of all the universe will say, “You Can” and then I can go about my day doing exactly what I know now that I was meant to do in this moment.
It is possible for all of us. Sometimes its not the second voice, sometimes it’s the hundredth voice that says “you can” but, if you are willing to sit through all the lies and bullshit of a fear built into you, you will come to the truth.
That how ever is the work, sit and listen until the truth reveals itself. The truth of sitting with yourself is that it is really uncomfortable and can really feel like shit. I know for me, I am bombarded with past shame over and over again, future horrifying realities that do not or may never exist. Sitting through these stories the mind throws at you is like walking through a carwash made of fire. But, if you can focus on only your breath and wait, the car wash of fire eventually stops and what happens after the storm is immaculate, everything you need will be found there.
I challenge you as I challenge myself every day, sit in silence in this mental car wash and allow the voice that truly knows you, to speak to you, and watch the incredible releasing of the unlimited power within you.
It is right there inside all of us, it’s time to listen.