I am impatient. There I said it. I want to be the best now, immediately before anyone else. I want to be happy now. I want to have millions of dollars in the bank now, and damn it I want everyone’s love and respect RIGHT NOW!
I am a bit of a child in this respect, but I realize that its ok. I have to be patient with learning patience. I can forget that I have spent the majority of my life sick, looking for instant gratification. From alcohol or women or food, whatever, it didn’t matter. The main thing was that I felt better and I got what I wanted immediately. It happened to me again this week, when I finished my novel. I did my edit of it, and before letting any other eyes edit it, I submitted it for reviews. SMH. I do this to my self without even thinking. I get so caught up in a state of “Oh My God, I did it. This is the greatest book ever; everyone has to read it now.” I lose my freaking mind, haha. I have to laugh because when I look back at myself in that crazy state, it’s funny. Like watching a child beg and plead for a toy that they want, then they get it, and 20 mins later are on to something new. I completely forgot that finishing the book was never the actual goal. The real goal was to write what I love, and when I was in that place every day was a friggin gift. The moment I went from writing what I love, to, everyone has to read this now, I lost my purpose and my joy. That’s not to say; I don’t want people to read it, because I do and I believe it is good work. But because I was impatient, I put out an incomplete product, which I am learning is not the way to win readers, especially if I am asking them to spend money on what I do. So, I will edit the hell out of Trent Foster and The Council of 10 before publishing.
The program of AA is teaching me that there is a better way, but to get there, I have to be willing to allow the feeling of uncomfortability to sit in my life, without trying to numb it or run from it. “Oh, you mean being uncomfortable has a purpose?” Yes, it does have a purpose, and that purpose is personal growth. I have numbed myself and ran away from discomfort for so many years that, six months worth of working a spiritual program has not taught me everything I will ever need to know in life. But it has shown me that its ok not to know everything and in fact, it is a key to a happy and fulfilling life. When I believe I know everything I am all high and mighty and full of myself, judging others for their lack of knowledge.
How small of me, I have come to realize that the less I know, the better. Thinking I have all the answers causes me to force my will in my life. I am not an Omnipotent, all-knowing being. I am just Matt, and that’s good. I don’t have time to manage everyone else’s life. I can’t even handle my own. But every day is getting better, and learning to be patient with myself and the things in life that are out of my control is allowing for a lot more happiness and joy to flow into my life. Because life is not all run according to my schedule, there is so much more to the picture than I am even capable of seeing. That is why I must pray every day for God’s Will.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I need this reminder every day, or I will force my life back into a state of ruin. I no longer want to live in that misery anymore. Or at least not today.
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