Dying to Live

My mind is on fire with thoughts. The past 2 days I have woken up and it’s felt like a fire drill in my head, ideas running crazy. It’s felt intense and also exciting because there is a ton of energy in that fire drill. It can be a scary place for anyone who suffers from depression, anxiety or just straight up fearful living as I believe is the root cause of both depression and anxiety.

This fear is apart of me, burned and traced into my neurological network as well as my physiology. It’s been a huge help to my survival for the most part until it wasn’t anymore. I ended up crossing a threshold where fear of dying over took any aspirations to try anything new and live. The fear became so crippling I tried anything to get around it without actually going through it. I tried alcohol until I was institutionalized. I tried drugs until I was weak and broken. I tried running to other states both physically and mentally. I tried blaming other people quiting jobs, fighting, fucking and for all of it I was still frozen in place by fear.

The fear of getting up and going right into the storm that was in front of me. The fear that had become the rest of my life. I thought I could hide from reality but no amount of alcohol or drugs can keep a person from the truth when the truth is the key to freedom and freedom was my only goal.

I was in essence dying to live in the worst sense of the phrase. I was literally only on the planet it seemed to die. I was suffering so badly every single day from the death at my doorstep that I hid in my home and barred the doors. I raged at the idea of being taken by death, I was me after all and I deserved to live forever. What kind of cruel God would put an incredible being like me here only to die? Well, the reality is we are all here to deal with our mortality and by seeing the true face of death when I finally decided to open the door and let it in I was gifted with the purpose of my life. Death wasn’t here to take me but to set me free. It was banging on the proverbial door to say “hey man, I wanted to let you know that you are gonna be ok. I’m here to comfort you not murder you.”

Weird I know being comforted by death but it’s true. The sooner I realized death was an ally a force for good and light in my world the sooner I learned how to live full of life and not die to live. I wanted to be immortal in this idea that I could live on this Earth with my family forever because I don’t want to not experience not having them. Then I saw what we really are and it’s way beyond this physical plane of existence but it also includes this place. The gift is that we get to truly love one another beyond the physical realm and become one in a massive Unified feild of existence and then experience the seperateness of physical exsistance to see how much we love eachother. That yearning to live forever as to never be without. However, it’s just a mask we wear and I had become so filled up with the idea of my own mask that I didn’t know how to live any longer. Death removed my mask and showed me true life eternal and that even death isn’t really death in the sense of, bye bye gone forever, but death in the sense of metamorphosis a changing into a new form a more realized crystalized form. Because the idea of death is simply the idea of freedom from, well, ideas of one’s self.

This is how I stopped dying to live and began living full of life. I am by no means always perfect at it and in alot of ways become fearful over and over again, but I keep going back to choose life by moving into metamorphosis and shedding of old ideas.

Stay froggy.


Published by Matthew Whiteside

I am a writer, a storyteller, a yarn-spinning freakazoid. My life is full of two things today, lessons and blessings. I write fiction mostly but I also love to write about my life and the things I go through on a daily basis. Writing it out inspires and motivates me and that's why I do it. Plus if it does that for me maybe it will for someone else too.

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