An infinite of choices swims before me and for some reason making any decision feels impossible.
Instead of enjoying the waves I’ve made it my mission to drink the ocean all at once.
To play, to play in the water wouldn’t that be nice. Instead of calculating the amount I need to consume and transform it into ME before I die.
Because that’s what it is, I want to be the ocean, control and wield it. Become controller over Universe and all.
Instead of just enjoying all the goodies here. Well I know it’s all a game how do I just say ok let’s go back to sleep?
That is a scary thing to do go back to sleep knowing now that I have been asked to wake up.
I believe the program of AA has been put into my life for this very reason. I was in need of waking up. I was, in essence, awake the whole time and I could not reconcile what I was seeing or feeling so I drank to put myself under.
This program of awakening is asking me to not put myself back under to delude myself into believing what the world is telling me is true.
I am to learn to handle all of the world without being put under. Can I sit still when the world is raging around me and find peace in the storm without going back to sleep?
I am constantly asking this question because the fear still exists that I won’t survive the world without being asleep to it. I will be killed by what I see and feel. I won’t be able to handle it all. I will choke to death trying to drink the ocean.
But I also see that I am not being required by anyone to do anything. To run anything in affect I am not as important as I liked to believe I was.
Now, what does this mean for me? What does it mean for my life? Here is where I get hung up always. I can’t see how in not trying to attain I will be able to survive. I can not just sit here and expect to receive everything I need, right?
It seems fully counter-intuitive. To have all my needs taken care of by simply being, not taking anything or trying to acquire anything. Because if this worked there wouldn’t be so many starving children and homeless people all around the world.
Yet, the bible tells me not to worry about tomorrow, do not worry about what I will wear or what I will eat, that I will be provided for by God.
This sounds beautiful when put to a lily of the field, but when placed on top of a human being it seems impossible. After all, there are no free lunches or rides.
So what did Jesus mean?
We are all here on this rock some have so much while others have so little or nothing at all. An imbalance so profound that even those in the middle feel that they have a lack.
There is an answer here in the question, What Did Jesus Mean?
Jesus meant the fulfillment of all human potential not only that he was the only child of God but that we are all the child of God, that all we need to do is love and care for one another and not a single one of us will be left for dead.
This seems impossible but now more than ever is it possible. What did all the great teachers of the past show us? Love, Tolerance and being of Service.
However, this has been perverted and extorted to build the wealth of few. They have played a game in which we are all able to take part. It seems some are willing to sell their soul to have more than others.
For if not to increase the well being of humanity, why have so much wealth? How many cars and homes does one person need?
I am not against bettering one’s life. But bettering one’s life simply in the vein to only affect one person’s life is a terrible way to spend eternity. A hell of one.
Find it wholesome or deranged to dig to the center of the earth and find a pit of fire that burns in an attempt to live. Peel away every piece of you that has wrapped you in the veritable cocoon of life waiting for you to find the strength to shed the skin and fly free with a mixture of grace and peace. Dignity and ability beyond the scraps of silk that fall away. Collected by the grub worms that want to build themselves into kings with the disheveling of your life.
Move into the higher level of living above the saplings still dripping with youth and fear of the future.
Disappear into the spinning nothingness that was promised with the infinite sea of eternity.
It’s yours to live in, you are in it now, you are awake to it as soon as you choose to be and you are available to be every bit as holy as the holy one or as awake as the awakened one.
Be what IT is, a human being full of the love for the being and free of the persecution of the Human. Love deeply by going deeper into your own Darkness and seeing the oneness for which we are all here. All sharing in the same sickness and joy of a life meant for experience and peace with one another.
We only exist on the basis of the existence of the other.
And Strive for nothing
Because in nothing exists everything.