Why I Contemplated Suicide

The heaviness of that title ways on me. As if its too heavy to share. Too much to lay down at the worlds feet. In reality, it is to heavy not to be put down. It is too much not to let out and what I have learned is to important to keep inside.

I had thought about ending my life years ago. The suffering I was enduring seemed to be beyond my capacity any longer, I needed to be set free. I was day after day trying to drink myself to death. I went on rampage after rampage against myself and others in hopes that something, someone would end me and I would not wake up again.

Day after day for years I was in the darkest of places, there felt like no hope. I needed to die.

So I did. I died, just not in the way I had expected. I had what is functionally known as an ego death. The part of me that was beholden to the past and to the destructive behaviors and victim mentality had to die or more aptly I had to kill it. Big Self had to kill little self.

I am paraphrasing Jack Kornfield when he said that those that think of suicide and those that commit suicide are not wrong that something must die. We know something in us needs to die, what we miss however at first glance is that it is not the physical body that needs to die it is the ethereal body that needs to be severed from this form.

It is such a difficult thing to separate and its only after years of consistent meditative and spiritual practices that I have come to see. Our ego bodies must endure death after death if we are to truly live. For our ego wants to stay exactly as is was because it believes it self to be the best version of it self. It’s and Ego of course that is how it thinks.

What I have discovered is that for me to live a truly full life I must be willing to surrender my ego to die each and every moment. This I find is painful and difficult at first, but overtime becomes the only way to true freedom.

Doing those things which we know will not physically kill us but know they will egoically kill us will change your life. If you are desperate for change, if life has lost its luster, if the world seems unkind and unfair, get up and challenge yourself to get uncomfortable.

The saying, “weakness is pain leaving the body” hits me harder than ever now. Because in choosing little pains over and over every moment I allow myself to be untethered and do not have to find myself back on deaths doorstep afraid to face the monster with in.

Kill the monster before it kills you. We are all warriors in this way, spiritual warriors destined to be free and live life, not stand by while it kills us.


Published by Matthew Whiteside

I am a writer, a storyteller, a yarn-spinning freakazoid. My life is full of two things today, lessons and blessings. I write fiction mostly but I also love to write about my life and the things I go through on a daily basis. Writing it out inspires and motivates me and that's why I do it. Plus if it does that for me maybe it will for someone else too.

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