“Have little and recieve
Have much and be confused”TTC 22 (Lin)
I remember a time in my life when I was first getting sober that I thought getting out of bed to brush my teeth and shower was the most significant accomplishment any human could ever reach.
Three years later and my overall hygiene is at an all-time high. I only stink some days, and my teeth are gold star certified by my dentist. And as the accomplishment of hygiene by a man that could barely get out of bed because of his alcohol addiction is excellent, I find my life has become more complicated.
Today my problems include writing a long or short blog post and whether or not I am going to the best school to receive my master’s degree in addiction counseling.
You see, when my choices were limited to cleaning myself up and not drinking, life was simpler. It was hell for sure, but it was more straightforward. Now that I have so many incredible blessings in my life, I am stuck trying to choose the best blessing, which is such a great problem to have, and one that I am so thankful for.
But it reminds me to check myself. The Tao Te Ching reminds me that having all these blessings can leave me confused, and in my confusion, I can remain stuck, not wanting to make a wrong decision. Well, as Justin Timberlake sings, “What goes around comes back around, I thought I told ya, hey.” You can check my source on that one, good song. If it’s the wrong choice, it will come back around, and I can choose again.
Anyway, my fear of making a wrong decision from the plethora of resources I get to choose from today is forgetting the fact that I am here in this incredible place after making a million terrible decisions. It’s like God said, “Well Matt, you flunked all those classes you applied to, so I am going to remove them from your record and let you take them again, as long as you promise to apply your self.” And I said, “Absolutely God, I will.” That is the gift of grace and forgiveness; as long as I do my part to clean up my side of the street and I’m not dead, I have another chance.
So, why do I think this next decision will break me? Why am I so afraid that I won’t be taken care of?
Because having much makes me confused. But I am confused based on the idea that this next decision is my anchor and it’s not. My anchor was a decision I made when I decided to get up, throw away the vodka, brush my teeth and go to a meeting. I chose to trust in something much greater than my knowledge.
I decided to put my faith in something greater than me, or a billion Google searches. I put my trust in the Tao, or The Universe, Or God, Or Higher Power. I don’t have a specific name for my higher power, as you could see from two blogs ago, Fuck Names.
This faith in something greater than me ensures that whether I choose one college or another, I will be ok, and I will learn exactly what I need to learn from the experience of the decision I make. Because belief in my higher infinite power also assures me that nothing ever ends, and all the fear that we feel is a calling to pull us by faith towards it. I do not have to fear failure anymore because failure no longer exists. The only things that exist for me today are Lessons and Blessings, as one of my old sponsors liked to say.
I will learn from my experience if I have an open mind, but if I also have an open heart, I will receive the blessings that are all wrapped up for me in the experiences to come.
“If I have a little knowledge
Walking on the great Tao
I fear only to deviate from it
The great Tao is broad and plain
But people like the side paths.TTC 53 (Lin)
I will stick to the broad and plain path. I will remain with little knowledge and a great anchor.