My oh my, am I a happy pie in the sky kind of joyful guy?
Is my life a full-on masterpiece, a grand experiment of the most epic beautiful proportions?
No, no it’s not. And no I am not a joyful guy at the moment.
I hate how I feel right now, my lack of energy and positive outlook are enough to make me not want to get up in the morning.
I have struggled the past few days to make it out of bed. Yesterday, I actually decided maybe I just need some rest and slept in and did not go to the gym. I was hopeful that a day full of rest might help my woeful mental state but it did not.
Instead, I woke up again this morning at 5am with the same sense of dread and fatigue that I have the other mornings.
I made it to the gym, I ran multiple miles and I sweated profusely doing other forms of physical exercise. I stretched and breathed, I listened to motivational speakers. I meditated on being of service and living a joyful existence.
When I came out of the meditation the full-on exhaustion was still present. In fact many times during my work out I felt like I was going to pass out. I felt the sheer weight of existence mounting in my mind and body.
It felt like every muscle fiber was sick and needed to lie down that feeling you have while yawning or stretching first thing in the morning.
It has all been a strange sensation for me. It is not an unfamiliar one, of course, I know depression well. I lived with it all my life, however the majority of the time I was also in active addiction and relying heavily on Alcohol to cure any feeling I had, good or bad.
Now I always ask myself what is the point of writing this? Why do I need to get it out of me and into a written form?
Well, the past couple of days I have not written anything. I have felt too drained to even make the effort, and all though I did the other things that I have committed to in my life writing for my blog got pushed aside.
I had nothing to give I had a head full of rocks and a day full of work. So, I focused every ounce of energy on the commitments I made to other people and decided that they are more important at the moment.
I made the choice to show up when I said I would be of service and so I did. Monday, I went and told my story at a Meeting and I wanted to run away, I wanted to crawl into a hole.
But I did it what I said I would do and spoke, and it was whatever. It was not the most exciting or amazing story ever told. I was not on fire with passion or life I was simply there doing my service.
And that’s all, I felt worse when I was done actually. The next day my sponsor decided to give me an ultimatum about making a financial decision or finding a new sponsor. So I am now looking for a new sponsor.
I say that to say this. I can be working my ass off in the name of recovery. In the name of spiritual growth, well being and living a joyful existence, but sometimes no matter how much work you do for others or how hard you try, life just happens.
Here is what I am saying in all this. I feel exhausted, depressed, worthless and like I can not keep going.
And guess what, I am ok with that feeling. I am not running from it. I am not hiding from life because of it. I am not giving up on myself or anyone else because I do not feel good.
I am showing up and doing what I need to do regardless of my feelings. Because I know they will change, they always change. Everything always changes. I am in a perpetual cycle of change.
I would be stupid to believe that I can somehow have joy without sadness.
There is only something because we can perceive Nothingness. There is only Nothingness because we are aware of what something is.
I must trust in the inhale and exhale of life.
Life is in Essence what breathing is. We breathe air in and feel good to have the oxygen in our lungs, but if I hold it in too long It starts to hurt and can actually kill me. I must release the breath. But, I can not stop there because if I sit too long without oxygen in my lungs I will die. I must remember to breathe back in the oxygen.
I am in a perpetual cycle of receiving and giving, of letting in and letting go. It is in everything I do. It is in the most essential things I do. I must be willing and able to let the air go so that I can live to take another breath.
If you are struggling and feeling like I am, I want you to take a moment and breathe. I know it does not feel like it at this moment but I promise you it will get better. It has been better before. Know that we are simply breathing, keep breathing and let the new air into your life.
You are more than this feeling, you are more than depression, you are full of an eternal life-giving spirit that will never leave you because you are the spirit, YOU ARE THE BREATH OF LIFE.
Accept where you are, how you feel and keep moving, it will change. It always has.