I Would Like To Give You All That I Have.

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I was reminded yesterday of the power of honesty, how it can be the simplest thing that punches us in the face and we say to our selves, “oh my God, that is exactly what I needed to hear.”

It struck me as funny that when someone shares how they are honestly feeling, all the hurt, doubt and fear, it blows us away. It’s like we are so used to hearing, “I’m fine, everything is fine,” That we forget that under the surface of most of us is a terrifying, fearful, doubt-filled existence.

Which, brings me to my thoughts this morning.

I pride myself on being capable of inspiring and lighting my own fire to get going on a regular basis. In fact, I shared yesterday with a friend of this blog my routine on how I go about lighting that fire every morning. Well, there are no coincidences or accidents in this Universe I believe.  So, this morning when I woke up with a feeling of terror, fear, doubt, and exhaustion, that my disciplined routine was unable to dispell, I had to ask myself, “How can I be of Service today, in spite of how I feel?” The answer is always there if I ask the right question.

The Answer

I used to believe that waking up feeling out of sorts or scared of the future or alone was merely a part of having depression and being an alcoholic. I have come to realize it is something different now.

I believe that on days where I wake up, and I can not light my own fire, when I wake up tired, scared, doubtful, feeling alone and unloved it is for a purpose. That purpose is that  somewhere in the world someone else is in need of whatever experience I have to offer. Perhaps somewhere out there is a person who needs to feel like they can inspire someone and by me being honest and vulnerable about where I am at the moment, I present them the opportunity they were looking for.

I do not believe I wake up sad or fear-filled for no reason. There is a reason, and maybe just maybe, its that someone else needs to see that a person like myself who works extremely hard to inspire others is in fact in need of inspiration and love sometimes.

Maybe others need to see that I am weak and vulnerable so that they do not feel so alone like they could never do what I am doing. Perhaps it is my only purpose on days like today to tell the world that I don’t want to go out into life today and be of service.

I did not want to wake up and run. I did not want to wake up and pray or meditate at 4:30 this morning. I did not want to write this blog, and I do not want to do all the other things on my todo list today.

In reality, what I want to do is curl into a ball in a dark room and cry. I want to run away from the difficult task of living today because walking into darkness every day with a bold face and faith is terrifying, and the effort of keeping myself from shaking from the fear is too much to handle sometimes.

I am tired; I am worn down. I am honestly feeling scared today that the effort of reshaping a life that had been deformed is too big a task. I feel like it is to heavy a weight to bear and I don’t know how I am going to manage it. I don’t know if I am capable of being the man I dream of becoming.

I don’t know if I can bear the weight of success that I am trying to attain and it makes me want to quit.

But I won’t, I learned a long time ago that falling down does not mean that I will always be down. It only means that I need to become better at getting up and sometimes my own strength is not enough to pick myself up.  I must be willing to reach my hand up for help and pray that someone will help me.

I know that I am not alone anymore on this journey of life, that I am surrounded by love and people that always have their hands out ready to help. I am willing to accept the help today when my own strength fails me. Because at some point it will, like today. I have a community of people to lift me up today, and that is a blessing.

When I say I want to give you all that I have, I am speaking to God. I am speaking of providing the good the bad and the ugly. If you couldn’t tell, this was a prayer an admittance of humility and weakness.

Here I am, I need help today. Amen.


Published by Matthew Whiteside

I am a writer, a storyteller, a yarn-spinning freakazoid. My life is full of two things today, lessons and blessings. I write fiction mostly but I also love to write about my life and the things I go through on a daily basis. Writing it out inspires and motivates me and that's why I do it. Plus if it does that for me maybe it will for someone else too.

8 thoughts on “I Would Like To Give You All That I Have.

  1. It’s just a bad day and it’s always good to speak out! Being vulnerable is a part of being a human being and we all struggle with daily up and downs! I feel exactly the same some days and I just make sure to not stay down even though it seems so hard some days…
    Sending you lot of support and positive energy! Keep it up, it’s worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If I remember right.. we had this conversation… right? haha I was asking you how you start your day and how you manage to produce such great content.

    I’d also like to think that we have good days and we have bad days as well. Its okay to be happy. It is okay to be sad as. I think it is also okay to cut yourself some slack and give it a good cry.

    There are some days when its just best to cry it out. Let go and feel better.

    Just remember to not allow yourself to spiral out of control again.
    Just remember the strength that propelled you to get this far.

    You are not alone in your struggles. We all struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am reminded of an excellent book called “Show Your Work” by Austin Kleon. I wrote a blog post about it, ages ago, but as you know I’m having trouble finding anything in that particular mess of worms… 😂

    But it talks about the importance of sharing our process rather than just the final product, as artists/writers/creators. But I think this is important for us as people, too. It’s okay to share goals and then fail to achieve them. It’s okay to share drafts along side our masterpieces. The journey from where we were, where we are, to where we are going is just as important as the destination itself: whether that destination is a project completed, a goal achieved, whatever it is, they are all just steps along the way. Sometimes it feels like we don’t have anything to share until we have a whole, polished “thing” to show off, and that silences us.

    I stopped blogging for a while after my first book came out because I felt like until I could announce book two, I didn’t have anything worthwhile to say. But there’s a lot of work that goes into becoming a better writer, releasing another book. A lot of failed experiments that become lessons learned. So I started sharing my short stories, which I only ever considered practice for the “real thing.” That has opened up so many new contacts with readers and other writers, led me to new projects and collaborations and opportunities that I never would have found if I hadn’t opened up about what goes on behind the scenes.

    It goes for everything else, too. Sharing our vulnerabilities shows allows other people to become invested in us as people. Followers who care are infinitely valuable. They root for us when things are going well, they stand by us when things aren’t, and they forgive us when we make mistakes (which, of course, we will). Having a network like that helps ease both the fear of failure, and the fear of success, for me.

    So thank you for sharing, and “showing your work.” I’m rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read, and it means a ton to know that others support me on my weakest days. I used to think I was never allowed to be week and that if I showed the world my fear and vulnerabilities, they would run from me. The opposite has been right, and that is a real blessing.

      Liked by 1 person

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