I was reminded yesterday of the power of honesty, how it can be the simplest thing that punches us in the face and we say to our selves, “oh my God, that is exactly what I needed to hear.”
It struck me as funny that when someone shares how they are honestly feeling, all the hurt, doubt and fear, it blows us away. It’s like we are so used to hearing, “I’m fine, everything is fine,” That we forget that under the surface of most of us is a terrifying, fearful, doubt-filled existence.
Which, brings me to my thoughts this morning.
I pride myself on being capable of inspiring and lighting my own fire to get going on a regular basis. In fact, I shared yesterday with a friend of this blog my routine on how I go about lighting that fire every morning. Well, there are no coincidences or accidents in this Universe I believe. So, this morning when I woke up with a feeling of terror, fear, doubt, and exhaustion, that my disciplined routine was unable to dispell, I had to ask myself, “How can I be of Service today, in spite of how I feel?” The answer is always there if I ask the right question.
I used to believe that waking up feeling out of sorts or scared of the future or alone was merely a part of having depression and being an alcoholic. I have come to realize it is something different now.
I believe that on days where I wake up, and I can not light my own fire, when I wake up tired, scared, doubtful, feeling alone and unloved it is for a purpose. That purpose is that somewhere in the world someone else is in need of whatever experience I have to offer. Perhaps somewhere out there is a person who needs to feel like they can inspire someone and by me being honest and vulnerable about where I am at the moment, I present them the opportunity they were looking for.
I do not believe I wake up sad or fear-filled for no reason. There is a reason, and maybe just maybe, its that someone else needs to see that a person like myself who works extremely hard to inspire others is in fact in need of inspiration and love sometimes.
Maybe others need to see that I am weak and vulnerable so that they do not feel so alone like they could never do what I am doing. Perhaps it is my only purpose on days like today to tell the world that I don’t want to go out into life today and be of service.
I did not want to wake up and run. I did not want to wake up and pray or meditate at 4:30 this morning. I did not want to write this blog, and I do not want to do all the other things on my todo list today.
In reality, what I want to do is curl into a ball in a dark room and cry. I want to run away from the difficult task of living today because walking into darkness every day with a bold face and faith is terrifying, and the effort of keeping myself from shaking from the fear is too much to handle sometimes.
I am tired; I am worn down. I am honestly feeling scared today that the effort of reshaping a life that had been deformed is too big a task. I feel like it is to heavy a weight to bear and I don’t know how I am going to manage it. I don’t know if I am capable of being the man I dream of becoming.
I don’t know if I can bear the weight of success that I am trying to attain and it makes me want to quit.
But I won’t, I learned a long time ago that falling down does not mean that I will always be down. It only means that I need to become better at getting up and sometimes my own strength is not enough to pick myself up. I must be willing to reach my hand up for help and pray that someone will help me.
I know that I am not alone anymore on this journey of life, that I am surrounded by love and people that always have their hands out ready to help. I am willing to accept the help today when my own strength fails me. Because at some point it will, like today. I have a community of people to lift me up today, and that is a blessing.
When I say I want to give you all that I have, I am speaking to God. I am speaking of providing the good the bad and the ugly. If you couldn’t tell, this was a prayer an admittance of humility and weakness.
Here I am, I need help today. Amen.