Let me tell you about my anxiety, it’s a fucking pain in the ass and also my best chance for survival. It’s like to fat kids on a seesaw, I need to put them both on a diet or the seesaw will break.
One year ago, I was so terrified to leave my apartment that I curled up in a ball and cried at the mere thought of going out into a world where my brain told me everyone wanted me dead. I consider myself a tough guy too, I played college football and have been in multiple fights with upwards of 30 people at once I’m talking all-out brawls where it is a true miracle I am not dead in fact I have witnessed some people being stomped to the point of if not death comatose states.
I didn’t grow up in the most nurturing environment, for years growing up I was terrified that my older brother was going to kill me or violently hurt me. Why would I think this? Well, because he had tried it before. From holding my head underwater at the swimming pool to just beating me up he had a penchant for terrorizing his little brother, and with no real parental supervision, it was a pretty easy thing to do.
But, that was just at home. School was another lesson in survival. I was a fat, poor kid that was a terrible student. My teachers actually believed I was retarded and had me tested multiple times for mental defects. But, this only fueled the ammo for the other kids that were insecure and needed a target for whatever violence was brewing in them.
So, every day at school I was being either verbally or physically attacked by children that although they were not bigger than me they were much angrier and willing to do harm than I was. There was no sense of safety or security, I woke up every morning terrified for my well being and every day I had to fight for my survival. My earliest fight was in kindergarten 3 third graders picked me out of the crowd during recess and thought I’d make a fun punching bag. Turns out they were wrong. I have been drop kicked in the back of the head by a school mate while simply walking down the hallway to go home. I was attacked by my gym teacher in middle school cuz he said it would be fun to mess with me. Each time I got initiated into a fight I didn’t want I learned a little more about my self.
I learned that I am really not a fun person to pick on and that you will regret it and that I also do not like to fight, I hate it actually. But, all this fighting has transformed my brain drastically. It believes that I am in constant danger, that no matter where I am or how safe I believe my self to be that I am only moments away from my life being threatened.
It is one hell of a way to live, it is also where most of my creativity lies. The reason I am writing this is two-fold.
One, I need to address the elephant in my brain. Fear is constantly knocking and trying to tell me to stay put, don’t move no one can see you right now so your safe. If I allow that fear to win well then I am not really alive in the first place I’m simply existing in a realm of Hell. I do not live in Hell and I will not live in Hell.
Here is what it has taught me- I have come to grips with my own mortality. I know I am going to die, and honestly the only way I can sit still for more than 10 mins at a time most days is being ok that the imaginary boogie man in my mind that says, “I’m coming to kill you,” is ok. That I am ok if I die at any moment, as morbid as that sounds it is also very freeing. This example is something I have to come to grips with as when I meditate in my room with my eyes closed and noise canceling headphones on my brain is sending wave after wave of imaginary sounds and visions of a person breaking into my room and smashing my head in with a baseball bat or machete. Its a terrible thought but one I am always dealing with.
Two- I need to move past the terror of the terrifying thoughts, they are just thoughts and I need to come to terms with them because you know what my insanity is in a way extremely funny. My brain works in a way that most people can not understand and are inherently shocked and horrified by which in my opinion makes fantastic comedy.
Bottom line, I don’t want to be limited by my fear and anxiety anymore, it no longer serves me in the life that I am trying to lead.
Most importantly for those out there suffering from horrifying Fear and Anxiety. I know it can be crippling and scary, I know dying is terrifying and being hurt, hurts. But I promise you as a man that has been tormented by imaginary and real demons. You are way more of a badass than you think. I promise you I have personally been in approximately 30 fights not counting football, however, my brain that wants so badly to survive has been in millions upon millions of some of the most horrific battles anyone can ever imagine.
Whatever happens in real life I am confident that I have run the worst case simulation of it more times than anyone else alive and you know what, I am prepared to FUCKING DOMINATE.
Anxiety is what it is meant to be, a tool for survival that through years and years of overuse has been stuck on 11 and I am having to learn to love and live through the noise.
If you or someone you love is suffering from Debilitating anxiety or depression, reach out it’s much easier to live with this together than it is alone.