I am impatient. There I said it. I want to be the best now, immediately before anyone else. I want to be happy now. I want to have millions of dollars in the bank now, and damn it I want everyone’s love and respect RIGHT NOW!
I am a bit of a child in this respect, but I realize that its ok. I have to be patient with learning patience. I can forget that I have spent the majority of my life sick, looking for instant gratification. From alcohol or women or food, whatever, it didn’t matter. The main thing was that I felt better and I got what I wanted immediately. It happened to me again this week, when I finished my novel. I did my edit of it, and before letting any other eyes edit it, I submitted it for reviews. SMH. I do this to my self without even thinking. I get so caught up in a state of “Oh My God, I did it. This is the greatest book ever; everyone has to read it now.” I lose my freaking mind, haha. I have to laugh because when I look back at myself in that crazy state, it’s funny. Like watching a child beg and plead for a toy that they want, then they get it, and 20 mins later are on to something new. I completely forgot that finishing the book was never the actual goal. The real goal was to write what I love, and when I was in that place every day was a friggin gift. The moment I went from writing what I love, to, everyone has to read this now, I lost my purpose and my joy. That’s not to say; I don’t want people to read it, because I do and I believe it is good work. But because I was impatient, I put out an incomplete product, which I am learning is not the way to win readers, especially if I am asking them to spend money on what I do. So, I will edit the hell out of Trent Foster and The Council of 10 before publishing.
The program of AA is teaching me that there is a better way, but to get there, I have to be willing to allow the feeling of uncomfortability to sit in my life, without trying to numb it or run from it. “Oh, you mean being uncomfortable has a purpose?” Yes, it does have a purpose, and that purpose is personal growth. I have numbed myself and ran away from discomfort for so many years that, six months worth of working a spiritual program has not taught me everything I will ever need to know in life. But it has shown me that its ok not to know everything and in fact, it is a key to a happy and fulfilling life. When I believe I know everything I am all high and mighty and full of myself, judging others for their lack of knowledge.
How small of me, I have come to realize that the less I know, the better. Thinking I have all the answers causes me to force my will in my life. I am not an Omnipotent, all-knowing being. I am just Matt, and that’s good. I don’t have time to manage everyone else’s life. I can’t even handle my own. But every day is getting better, and learning to be patient with myself and the things in life that are out of my control is allowing for a lot more happiness and joy to flow into my life. Because life is not all run according to my schedule, there is so much more to the picture than I am even capable of seeing. That is why I must pray every day for God’s Will.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I need this reminder every day, or I will force my life back into a state of ruin. I no longer want to live in that misery anymore. Or at least not today.

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A thrum of energy resonated through me, as time seemed to pause.  A drop of water from the leaking faucet hung in the air for a moment before crashing into the metallic basin, with a thunderous crash.  Stirring me from the thought that had me frozen.  “Who am I?”

What a question.  I have spent my entire life pondering, somedays I increase my ponder level to a million though, and seemingly stop time.  Today is one of those days.  Let’s dig in shall we.

“Am I my past?”  Well, one would surmise that, yes, yes I am my past because everything in my past has made me the man sitting here at the kitchen table writing this blog right now.  However, that would mean that I am only possible of doing the things that my past has shown I am capable of doing, which is to say destroy my life with bad choices and alcohol.  Well I know for a fact I am not that person anymore, I haven’t been for almost six months now, what a miracle.

“So, I am not my past, fine.  Am I the man I want to be?”  Great question, thank you for asking.  Sure I could say, well yeah I am the man I want to be.  I am sober, I’m writing every day, I have published two books in two months.  I have accomplished a lot.  I have friends who I care about and my relationships with my family are growing better each day.  Not bad, I could be happy saying I am that guy.  But, “Is that who I am?”  NO, it’s not.

“Well geez, Matt, who are you then?   Are you the future you?”  HA, I say.  What a silly question, of course, I am not the future me, that me only exists in my imagination.  He has lived a life of a million stories, loved and laughed until he was incapable of doing either another moment more, yet still somehow found the endurance to love more and to laugh more.  No, I am not that man.

“It would seem you are confused then Matt, you have no real Idea of who you are.”  Ha, I say again to you.  For I am all these men, I am built of my past experiences but not limited by them.  I am proud of my current accomplishments but not satisfied with them.  And I am excited for the next moment that is sure to come and fill me with all the joy it could ever muster, as soon as I am done with this moment.

I am as religion teaches, and the program, a Trinity of things.  I am only truly who I am when I am mindful of the 3 in 1.

“Wow, that is very interesting.  I have never thought of it in that way.  You must be very proud of yourself.”  Haha, I am and you should be too because you are the “past me” asking the “present me” about the “future me”  and we are all here to answer the call.

Now I ask you, Who Are You?

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I have been thinking a lot about the pace of things for the past couple of days. This is largely due to the fact that I am almost finished editing my first Novel, and the excitement of having it done is pulling me towards it like a tractor beam. However, I also work a 12 step program and pace is a common theme in my life. One day at a time is the most commonly used phrase in AA in my opinion and for good reason. While I was drinking I had no concept of one day at a time, I was so consumed with consuming as much as possible, as fast as humanly possible that everything else in my life slipped away. I was so enamored with getting drunk, that the idea of anyone or anything else in my life was barely a second or third thought. And when I am not careful, I can get right back to that sick mindset of, I want as much as possible as fast as possible, to Hell with everything else.
So, in the process of finishing my Novel, I have lost sight of some important things, such as pace. Less than six months ago, I was bedridden, hadn’t showered in weeks or done anything resembling taking care of myself. I had put on 40lbs in two months, from a combination of Vodka, Malt liquor, and frozen pizza. I would dare to say my pace was off then. Today, because of working a program, I have written and published a Novella, and am putting the finishing touches on a Novel. I also have a sponsor, have worked the 12 steps and do service work daily, along with going to meetings, praying and meditating, my life has improved drastically.
But leave it to me to say, “yeah but” when something exciting comes along and life becomes good again, I have a tendency to revert back to that alcoholic pace. With the thought, “oh look, there is the finish line, I will win the race.” It happens so often to so many of us in the program, and it has happened to me countless times. I will forgo the pace and the things that got me to this point because I think I see the finish line.
Here is the Truth of the matter, THERE IS NO FINISH LINE. But I will delude my self over and over again to make myself believe that there is one. Because a finish line means I can stop running, I can take a break, and most importantly I can look back at all the poor suckers I left in the dust. My thinking is sick if I am at this place. Because in reality, if my pace is correct I love walking or jogging along, meeting all kinds of friends along the way having experiences I would never have had if I were still drunkinly standing at the starting line. More accurately passed out in the bushes hundreds of feet behind the starting line. But that is the gift of the program of AA, I am able to see that my pace is off, because I have these checkpoints in my life reminding me that I am on the right path and I’m doing good. Checkpoints like, my sponsor, prayer, meditation, meetings, and working with other alcoholics. All these things are daily practices that can enlighten me to how I am doing and if my pace needs to be checked. Because when I stop doing them, I start running way faster and way harder than I can manage, at the thought of a finish line. By the time I realize it was a mirage and there is no finish line, my legs are weak and tired, I can’t breathe right and I feel like giving up, because, “Damnit, it hurts too much, and it’s just too hard.”
The holiday season has a special way of turning in to false finish lines for me as well. “If I buy them just the right gift or the right amount of gifts they will love me or finally accept me. Or if I give to all these charities I will feel better about doing the horrible things I have done.” The idea of becoming someone different for a few months out of the year can be a huge stumbling stone for me. The idea that I can persuade the people I care about the most to care about me more or change there mind about me. When in reality, I haven’t even made up my mind about my self, I haven’t loved my self. My pace is off again. Its only through the 12 steps of AA, I have found a pace that not only makes every day better, but it makes me better in the process. I focus on my steps and by doing that, I get to the place I am supposed to be however long it takes. “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize themselves, if we work for them.”  I will continue trudging the road of happy destiny today, hope to see you along the way.

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I have wanted to do this for a little while now. The past week, in fact, the idea of writing the journey of writing my first novel was one that I was interested in. Well, I have finished the first draft of the novel and am in the editing process now, so I figured what better time to start. I have heard it said, “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now.” I am planting my tree, by writing this blog in a way. I have been unsure on what to do with the blog because when I first created all I wanted from it was a place to “Publish” my short stories. Holy crap did that start an Avalanche of craving the creative process and writing some shit that maybe people wanted to read. The true magnitude of which I am sure I don’t fully see.

The reason, it became such a big deal to me is because I never thought that I would want to be a writer. I mean sure, I love a good book but sitting at a computer crafting well-written stories was not my thing. In college, I had to write a dissertation or “Thesis” my senior year on whatever subject I wanted. I wrote about training high school athletes, and I hated it. Which was weird because I assumed I loved training people to get stronger and better, why was the writing so difficult. I managed to produce 40 or45 pages of something worthy enough of a B, and I was fine with that as long as I didn’t have to write anymore. It was such a miserable process that took me 2 full semesters to complete, and I was actually training athletes at the time so I should have had plenty of insight to draw from. Alas, non-fiction textbook writing was not my thing.

Fast forward 10 years and multiple trips to rehab, a failed business, 2 failed marriages and a plethora of other unmentionables crimes against the “American Dream.” I find my self in a place where I utterly crave writing every morning, it has opened up my eyes more than I could ever have imagined. I was told to “come to the blank page with, fear, anger, anxiety, excitement or any other emotion, but I was told to come.” Let me back up a bit for context.

So, I have self-published one novella an 18,000 word short (Dead Heart: An Origin Story) about a Knight named Sir Ageon. It’s actually on the Amazon Kindle for purchase now. The whole idea behind writing that story came to me because I wanted to write inspiring stories, and the idea was for me to write about a man that lost both his legs. From that little nugget of an idea came Dead Heart, which I am so proud of and, I am working on the second book now. It took me a week to write the thing and another to edit it, I was hooked, fully mesmerized and lost in a 4th dimension where time and space didn’t exist, even now I feel myself slipping into that space. Which led me to look into writing classes and other ways to get better, if I was going to put my work out for everyone to see I wanted to get better at the craft, not to mention I want to make a living doing this. I was hit with another incredible (What I think is incredible), idea during a creative writing exercise for one of the classes, three weeks later I have the first draft of, Trent Foster & The Council of 10. A 65,000+ word creative explosion from my mind. I couldn’t believe it, still can’t, and the crazy thing is I think it’s good. The shit had me laughing and crying as I wrote it like I was reading the damn thing not writing it.

Along the way in those 3 weeks, I was hit with some pretty incredible personal awakenings of my own. Without even knowing I was doing it, I was, in essence, writing a Sci-Fi/fantasy version of the last 10 years of my life. I saw it when I wrote the ending and damn did it hit me like a brick truck hauling a ton of shit.

Here is what I learned, I don’t always have to know what is going to come out of me when I sit down to write, hell that’s half the fun, I realize now. It is a gift to have any creative thought and it is even more of a gift to get a chance to share that with anyone else. So if you are scared to write, good and if you are excited to write, good. Just for God’s sake write, it is the greatest thing I have found in my life to this point. I never understood when I would hear quotes from people like Steve Jobs, saying “Your work is going to take up the majority of your life and if you want to do great work you need to do what you love if you haven’t found it yet keep looking.” Thanks, Steve, I used to think, this guy found his passion at an early age, I was lost I didn’t love doing anything. Until now, I can honestly say I love writing and whether I become the richest most famous Author in all the world or just some guy named Matt that writes weird stories and self publishes them all, I will have spent my life happy doing what I love, and that is worth something.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to get back to editing. Trent Foster & The Council of 10, will be available by January 2019.

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