The voices sang all around me, pleading, and promising a better life. One full of fast cars big houses and beautiful women. The other side promised me that I no longer had to feel any pain or suffering, and while both options looked appealing a small voice inside of me told me to shut them out. The voice in me said to close my eyes and ears to the promises surrounding me. It told me to focus on the path ahead.
“But it is shrouded in darkness; I don’t know where it leads,” I said my voice catching in my chest, terrified. The voice spoke back stronger this time.
“You have followed the other paths already, they promise you the world but lead you nowhere. They are not the way for you.” It said,
“I know they almost killed me, but maybe it will be different this time. Maybe I did something wrong; I should try again.” I said turning from the darkened path. As the voice yelled at me.
“To go down the path filled with promises of a pain-free life and riches and fame is to deny the life God has given you. The one standing directly in front of you. It may be dark, and you may not be able to see where you are going, but with each step, you grow stronger, and the path lightens. The longer you walk through the dark, the better you will become navigating it. And while you may fall and hurt yourself, the pain will remind you that you are on the right path. There is no joy without pain, no love without hate, no light without darkness. Have faith that each step is leading you down the path you were meant to be on. Like a child opening a present on Christmas, part of the joy is in not knowing the surprises that lie ahead of us. Trust that the path, while it may be dark is not full of death, it is full of life, and the only way to experience it is to walk one step at a time into the darkness.”
I stood at a crossroads, I wanted to feel comfortable and safe, but I had been there before Alcohol had promised me a life of no pain or suffering and it almost killed me. I had to be willing to walk a different path this time. One that was not known to me, but that the voice inside told me was the right path. I had to be willing to step into the darkness and become someone different. Someone stronger, I had to become a channel for which love and hate, fear and joy, suffering and enlightenment could flow through. For me to deny one would be to deny the other. It is ok to be afraid, but it is more important to move anyway. Have faith in the face of fear, that by living by the principals of a good life, I will have a good life.
I must walk the path by faith, closing my eyes and trusting the voice inside to guide me to a life that I have never known, one that doesn’t promise me the world. A life that only promises me opportunity to become the person of my dreams, the man I was born to be.
I will step into the Darkness of the path today and have Faith that with each trembling step my path will lighten and I will become stronger because of it.
I said to myself, I said. “All I really want to do is become a great writer.” To which I replied. “Oh well that is easy, you want to be a writer? All you have to do is write. Everything else is optional.”
“Being a super zombie should have been the worst thing to happen to me, but now that I am dead I tell you what, I have a new lease on life. I can’t smell or taste anything which is fine by me because this new diet that I am on sucks. Now the cravings could be kept at bay as long as I eat a heavy diet of raw meats. However, the decay was something that I was struggling with. Sure I looked very sheek with my sunken in cheeks, and hollow, lifeless eyes but my flesh was always falling off. I must have gone through 10 tubes of Merlins Magic Mucking solution always reapplying more to stick my flesh back on. Last week my nipple fell off while I was laughing at a joke Sir Marson told. How embarrassing, fell right out of the bottom of my tunic. Well, some mucking solution took care of that for now. Those men may never let me live that one down.”
“Anyway, today was going to be a good day. Now I must get dressed to go get my new legs. Oooh. I am so excited. Now if you will excuse me the other guy will catch you up on everything else.” Sir Ageon looked up.
“Hey other guy, take it away. Hello! You awake?”
“Huh oh sorry, ha! Must have dozed off Sir Ageon I will take it from here.”
“Thanks, disembodied voice that follows me around and sums things up and moves my story along for me.” “Uhh, yeah, um no problem.”
So where were we. Right. Sir Ageon had spent the last week trying to help his father understand what had happened to him.
“Hey, tell them about the dragon.”
“I thought you were getting dressed, would you let me tell them.”
“Yeah right, sorry I just didn’t want you to forget.”
“This is the only reason I exist, why would I forget.”
“Ok, ok, geez what a stick in the mud.” Sir Ageon said grumbling under his breath which I can obviously hear.
“Haha oh right you see and hear everything.” “Can I please get on with the story now.”
“Yeah sure, be my guest I ‘ll just be over here trying to put on my knickers.”
“Great, thanks for that information.”
Anyway. Where were we? Ah yes, the Dragon.
“Tell them about how big and scary it was!”
“Oh for the love of God would you shut it! I will tell them everything.”
“Sorry.”
Ughh. So last week after Sir Ageon spent two whole nights cleaning the castle of fingernail clippings and dust and dirt, he was summoned by the King. It was unusual for the King to speak to many of his knights personally but considering the circumstances of Sir Ageon being killed and coming back as a hideously gross legless monster zombie…
“Hey, Hey, take it easy. I’m not gross.”
Like I was saying the King decided to make a special request after hearing what had happened to Sir Ageon. It was a Tuesday I believe because we were having tacos…
“Yeah tacos’ rock.”
Now every Taco Tuesday was a special night, but this taco Tuesday was different. For one Sir Ageon the only knight to survive death, kind of, was there. Second, the King and his men Sir Lancelot among the lot was there as well just returning from a horrific battle for the rights to blueprints for a new catapult design that was gonna really… Ugh hmm… catapult the Army to new heights. Now, these men knew how to celebrate a victory. Mead and wine were plentiful and flowed freely, and the women were something else as well, most of them had all their teeth and bathed that week. This was one hell of a party. It was getting late into the night, and the King had drunk a giants share of Mead as had Sir Lancelot sitting at the King’s right. King Arthur looked at Lancelot and asked him drunkenly.
A rumble in my soul
I feel it down below
Distant disgrace and fear
It locks me all alone
Pull up my head
Turn now from dead
Life is living
Inside my head
The snow out the window falls
My heart is crushed inside these walls
I scream for help that doesn’t come
Finding peace from another drug
I say I’m unworthy and past reproach
God throws open a window I must go
Providence this time may be my last
I can’t sit back and let it pass
Here I go im jumping, God don’t let me fall
He caught me he caught me
Outside my pain filled walls.
Sunday, I wanted to try a poem. I don’t write poetry normally but I find when I write it, I love it.
This was inspired by a message I heard last night at an AA meeting and some reading this morning that reminded me that we can be trapped in side our own minds sometimes with no way out and how only an act of grace, a miracle can sometimes save us. But in that I find God and a Love and Life so powerful it makes every moment I am alive worth living.
Landing on the scorched patch of the dark Earth a divine creature lied writhing in pain, without an understanding of where it was or how it got there.
Only moments ago it stood in a state of bliss and contentment.
Now his eyes opened wide standing naked in front of a dark world full of rage and fear. The Divinity from which he was born began to shrink back as he quickly got dressed and hid, afraid that he would be attacked by the creatures that occupied this dark and terrifying world.
A decision had to be made, as he was not sent to hide from the world but to share the light inside that was a gift. For no other was created in the exact manner that he was. No other experienced the same pains and losses, victories and triumphs that he had, and no other suffered those things in quite the same way as he did.
It was time to make a choice. Risk stepping out and revealing the naked truth and scarred imperfection of the gifts he was given. Or hide them until he passed away from the scary place.
It was a difficult choice, but a choice all the same. And upon further inspection of where he now found himself. The creatures that he was so afraid of and he feared so much were in fact just like him. They only attacked for fear of being attacked. They hid in the Dark like him, for fear of being seen naked and scarred, broken and imperfect.
An amazing thing happened when he stepped out of the dark and began to share his light. He found that he was not attacked but that now, others seeing the light pouring from him, gained the courage to do the same.
The man boldly showing all of his vulnerable spots, changed the world he had been dropped upon. Because he realized that even though the dark was scary and though he was naked and all of his flaws and cracks could be seen, it was only through his broken places that the light was able to shine from him and light the dark and scary world. Now, they all could see. No longer prisoners of the dark and scary world.
Do I share what has so uniquely and honestly be given to me no matter the terror and fear of this world? Or do I shrink back and hide for fear that I will be ridiculed or laughed at or attacked?
Can I make the decision each day in each moment to share the Light that God has put inside me, as It is inside all of us, or will I make the decision to hide the gift only I can bring to the world?
Bring whatever gift you were sent here to bring today. It was Uniquely given to you to Give to the World.
It is strange to have accomplished so much personally in such a short period of time yet feel so stagnant all the same. I just completed a short love story that scared the crap out of me and wrapped my mind around it to the point I was dreaming about it. The relief I assumed I would have once it was done never showed up. Just like with the writing of every other book or blog I have done in the past couple of months. I get wound up in the web of work writing beyond what I feel I am capable of only to be pulled apart inside out with nowhere to go but deeper within.
UGGHHHH! Sometimes it hurts trying to dig deeper and peel back layers of myself that I didn’t know were actually layers. It is like shedding my soul, only to find it is still wrapped and bound by more and more layers of the person I think I am or the person I am striving to be.
I am most frustrated by the fact that the book I have been writing, which hit me like a bolt of lighting one night, has ceased its effortless flow from me. I wrote 60pages of my new book in 4 days. And know, I want to work on Chapter 6 but am doing everything but that. I am terrified to destroy this incredible story that was given to me by something other than myself, by writing when I am not connected to the flow of creative energy that gave it to me. But to not write feels like a hopeless, death of a million lifetimes.
So, I am writing this, because sometimes the channel is clogged with garbage and I need to stick a broom handle down the disposal of my imagination and dislodge whatever chicken bone lies within.
I am bound and determined to be a successful writer come hell or high water. I would rather not wait for Hell or Highwater to show up while I am sitting around thinking about doing what I love. I would rather be doing what I love when the Tide of death rolls in on me, and I have no escape. If you can’t tell, I am giving myself a pep talk now and Damn it; I think its working.
I am going to write some great stuff. I am going to get over the fear of screwing up. I am capable of doing incredible things if I simply lean into the fear and allow the words to flow from a place not of me but of a higher calling as they are doing now Holy crap I am going to forget a period the words are flowing like hot lova down an erupting volcano, ready to destroy any blocks in my way and allow me to create what must be created and to write what must be written! For if not me then who? If not now, then When? The Gates of Hell are holding back the hounds in my life that for fear of death upon my sword shall not enter into the realm of living whilst I stand watch, they will fall upon my blade as each word pours forth from the fearless attempt at greatness and a Heavenly departure. Come now with me on the wings of flow that so valiantly we fly on. Gifted by one from some higher place but gifted all the same. And the wind is mine now I am on it and the hands reaching and grabbing for the want to destroy me and drag me to the depths are finding their grasps empty filled only with the thought of me hanging in the air. I am Off into the wind. I will see you when the winds change again.
A small fire crackled and popped, the flames licking the darkness of the sky as if reaching out realizing the kinship to the stars that lie happily twinkling above. Ted and Marissa sat wrapped in each other’s arms soaking in the warmth of the fire on the cool April night. It had been three months since they met on the pier and for three months they were inseparable. It was like to opposite ends of a magnet finally found each other, and the gravity and elation of being together were much greater than the forces pulling them apart.
Ted hadn’t known he could fall in love as fast as he did with Marissa, but it felt like an inherent thing for him. Like he had been in love with her his entire life he just hadn’t met her yet. Ted’s love for Marissa was made even more special because she felt the same way. They had gone out several times to fancy dinners and starlit walks. But it was at night when everything was quiet, and the distractions of the day were gone when the two fell in love all over again. Whether it was lying in bed talking, after making love or just sitting up late sharing there likes and dislikes. They shared the stories of their lives before they met and the excitement of a future together.
This was the first time they had a chance to get out of the city in the past three months, and they were excited to do so. The cold of winter had passed, and it was finally safe to go outside and sleep amongst the stars. Which is precisely what Ted and Marissa had done, for two nights now they sat happily in the woods. Together, with only the company of the stars and the surrounding forest.
“I love you,” Ted said, looking into Marissa’s shimmering blue eyes.
“I love you too, Ted,” Marissa said smiling back and kissing Ted gently on the lips.
“Marissa?” Ted said adjusting himself so that Marissa was now facing him. “I have been going over this in my head for weeks now, doubting and wondering if it was the right thing to do.” Marissa was watching Ted with a wistful gaze. “Every time I questioned myself I kept getting the same answer.” Ted paused.
“Which was what Ted?” Marissa said with a giddy excitement playing on her face, shivering a bit.
“I look at the time we have spent together and the circumstances under which we met. I have looked at the progression of our relationship and crunched all the numbers, so to speak. I realized I was doing the math on our relationship hoping it would add up to what I wanted.” Ted looked down at his hands lying in his lap.
“Come on Ted spit it out,” Marissa said with a laugh.
“Ha, fine. The numbers don’t add up. This doesn’t make any sense, and it shouldn’t be possible… Yet, I know it is happening because I feel it. I know it is real because I am experiencing it every day I am with you. Two weeks ago I threw out the math. Math, numbers, what should be possible. It all just fades away in the face of what I feel with you. I don’t understand it Marissa but, a life without you would be as meaningless as no life at all. And I didn’t even know it until It hit me right in the face. You mean everything to me and I don’t want to plan another second of my future without you in it… Marissa?”
“Yes, Ted?” Marissa said through tears in her eyes.
“Will you marry me?” Ted pulled out a ring from somewhere under the covers. The brilliant diamond gemstone sparkled reflecting the flames.
Marissa squealed with excitement, eyes full of joy as she reached for the ring. Words that wouldn’t come formed on her lips as her eyes rolled back into her head and she fell.
Marissa woke up in the hospital to machines making beeping sounds and an I.V attached to her arm. She wasn’t sure how she had gotten there one minute Ted was proposing the next, complete darkness. Looking around the fluorescent-lit white room, Marissa was beginning to panic that she had imagined it all; that the last three months had been some sort of dream until her eyes landed on an extremely tired looking but smiling Ted.
“Ted, what happened? How did I get here?” She asked attempting to sit up but finding her strength had left her.
“You passed out Marissa; I was so worried you had died. You were barely breathing. At first, I thought you were just overexcited at the moment, but you stopped breathing on the way to the hospital. I was terrified I might lose you.” Ted said grabbing Marissa’s cold hand as tears welled up in his eyes.
“I am so sorry Ted. I don’t know what happened. Has the doctor said anything to you?” Marissa’s fear at Ted finding out about her cancer rose like a title wave inside of her.
“No, he said that he couldn’t divulge any information to me because we aren’t family. I told him you were my fiance, but he said it didn’t matter. He called your emergency contact but said no one answered.” Ted said looking helplessly into Marissa’s eyes.
“That would make sense, I had my dad listed, and I am not even sure he is still alive,” Marissa said, brushing off the thought. “Ted I want you to know that I do want to be your wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But you have to know something, and I am so sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner, but I didn’t expect any of this, and it never felt like a good time.” Marissa’s stomach turned at what she was about to say.
“What is it Marissa, you can tell me anything. I Love you.” Ted gripped Marissa’s hand tighter.
“Ted, I have cancer. I am not sure, but I am afraid it is the reason I passed out. I’m so sorry, Ted. I know I should have told you sooner.” Marissa was beginning to cry now.
“I… I… Marissa.” Ted said as he stood from his seat next to the bed.
“That does not change the way I feel about you, and If you think it would somehow scare me off, you’re wrong. I will be here for you. We will get through this together. You have changed my life. There is no me without you anymore. Like it or not you are stuck with me.” Ted finished as he bent down and embraced Marissa as she broke down into tears.
She was so full of fear that Ted would leave. That she would be alone. To be left to die alone. Marissa wrapped her weak arms around Ted’s neck and pulling her head back from his embrace she kissed him as the doctor entered the room.
Nine months later-
A man stood on the sidewalk overlooking the pier. The bouquet of roses in his hands was held high on his chest as he looked out over the Atlantic ocean. Bending to one knee, he knelt on the ground a drop of water splashed next to his shoes as tears fell from the man’s face. He looked to be saying a prayer as a scant few walked passed him barely looking in his direction, facing the bitter cold of January.
Standing Ted pulled his collar up closer around his face leaving the roses resting on the ground in the same place only a year ago he met his wife. Turning from the Ocean Ted’s face was painted with grief. The love of his life Marissa was gone. Only the memory of his time with her remained.
The End.
Well, there you have it, a tragic love story. Could it have ended any other way? Of course, it could have, I made it up, remember? So why did I choose to go this route? Is it because I hate love, and like to watch even make-believe people suffer? No, at least I don’t believe so.
I did it this way because I needed closure from this story, honestly. The trouble with writing a short love story is that I am trying to show the magnitude of a supernatural force of nature that we have named Love. With, the task of keeping the story as compressed as possible, I asked my self another question.
How can I show how in Love these two people are?
The answer. Force them to deal with the only thing for which none of us will escape, immediatley, and allow Ted and Marissa’s actions show me how much they cared for one another.
The fact that Ted didn’t run away in the face of watching the woman he loved die speaks volumes, in my opinion, to his true capacity to love another person. How easy would it have been for him to check out and say no thanks when she told him, her diagnosis. But he didn’t he stayed and married her anyway. Because he really did love her, it wasn’t some fleeting fascination.
I wanted to show in this story the development of the character Ted. From the kind of “Blah” loser who couldn’t get a date. To the steadfast, Love conquers all, giant that he became. Through all the pain and failure Ted could have given up on Love, but he didn’t.
Like Marissa liked to say, Ted kept on swinging.
We hit home runs sometimes in life, and in love but the feeling of the home run only last as long as we are rounding the bases for most of us. The fact is we have to get back up to the plate at some point, holding the bat, staring life in the face as it throws curve ball after curve ball at us, and keep swinging even if we do strike out sometimes.
The promise of the home run is only there to those who attempt to hit the ball.
I hope you all enjoyed this story. I am not going to lie; It was an incredible challenge for me. Not because I didn’t enjoy the story but because romance is not a subject I am particularly interested in writing on. But that is why I did it.
I wanted to learn and grow, and I have. I learned that I can be proud of the work I do without being head over heels in love with it. I can still believe its excellent work, and that is a massive leap for me. Before this, I thought I could only write something interesting if I truly loved it and wanted to write it. That is just not the case.
There is something to doing things that make me uncomfortable. It forces me to grow and ask my self some profound digging questions about the kind of person I want to be, and I do Love that.
Have a great day.
Did you enjoy this story? Or hate it and me for ever being written? Let me know in the comments.
You hit a grand slam last night. Thanks for a good time. Give me a call, let’s do it again, 555-6789
Marissa,
Ted was still in a sleepy, satisfied daze reading the note his mystery woman left for him. How had it all happened? He was not a one night stand kind of guy, but Marissa brought something out of Ted that he had forgotten about. Ted remembered a more carefree time when he was younger, before his mom’s diagnosis and his career change.
Standing up out of bed Ted went over to his window and pulled back his dark blue curtains, letting in a stream of warm sunshine. The day looked to be mirroring his mood. Ted needed to shake off the sleepy daydream of last nights escapeds and get a move on. He had slept in later than usual on Saturday and had a commitment five years running that he knew he couldn’t miss.
Getting dressed in a hurry, Ted grabbed his boom box and a cop of coffee and ran out the door. He arrived at Happy acres retirement home twenty minutes later. A smile beaming on his face. This was one thing that Ted loved to do. His job as an accountant had not been his dream, but it was his reality.
Ten years ago Ted was at NYU training in dance choreography. It was the start of his junior year that changed the trajectory of his life. He remembered the phone call like it was yesterday. The doctor had said that his mom was showing signs of early dementia and would need to have regular checkups to assess it’s progression. “Are you able to take care of her Ted?” He remembered the doctor asking. Ted was an only child and his mothers only living relative. So they were used to supporting one another; however, this diagnosis changed everything. “Yes.” Ted had told the doctor.
He knew she would need a lot of attention and the fear of the progression of the disease scared him to the point of quitting dance and switching his major to accounting. Those last two years of college were a blur. Ted worked nights at a restaurant waiting tables, after taking a double course load to graduate on time and also visiting his mother as often as possible. It had changed him from the happy go lucky kid that just wanted to dance to the Adult he was today. But on Saturday’s he got to remember the kid he used to be.
Happy Acres was the retirement home that his mother eventually ended up coming to five years ago when it was no longer a good idea for her to be living at home alone. Ted had done his research though. The facility was one of the best in New York, and it was close to Ted’s work. He came by and visited every day for the two years his mother was at Happy Acres, before she finally passed away from Alzheimer’s.
But something happened in all his time visiting the retirement home. He met a group of people who were seemingly forgotten by their families, and it broke Ted’s heart. So after his mother died and it had been a few weeks since going to Happy Acres Ted went down with his boom box and spoke with the facility manager about coming in once a week and teaching dance. He was surprised by the man’s enthusiasm for Ted’s idea. So, Ted started a dance party once a week every Saturday for three years now.
Seeing the smiles and laughter on the faces of the people he was teaching brought back the feeling he once had as a kid, carefree, happy when the idea of losing the person he loved the most in the world wasn’t real. In getting to know these people at the end of their lives and bringing a bit of joy to them through what he loved, he was able to stay connected to his mother who he missed every day.
Marissa’s apartment was an immaculate work of art, but it hadn’t always been that way. She had just recently invested a good chunk of change in having it gutted and redecorated, hoping that the change would bring a flow of positive energy into her life. God knows she needed it.
Marissa was VP of player development for New York’s favorite baseball team. Which meant she was always busy keeping up with the players in her charge development. If the guys were not progressing quickly enough it was her job to either trade or reassign them, so she constantly had her nose to the grindstone. It was for that reason that last night had been such an aberration for her. She wasn’t one to go out picking up strange men on the street.
Two months ago she had been changed though. Marissa remembered standing in the same spot she saw Ted, hopelessly throwing his sad roses off the pier when she got the call. “Marissa, you might want to sit down.” The doctor said, “Come on doc, just spit it out.” “It’s cancer; luckily it does not seem to have spread. If we get you started on treatment now there is a good chance we can beat it.” “Yeah, thanks for the news. I’ll let you know about the treatment.” She said and hung up.
She was ready to throw her phone into the water when she decided better of it, and something happened. It was like a window had been opened in a dark room and light was now flooding in. It was the strangest thing, as she wasn’t sure how many people diagnosed with cancer responded the way she did, but she didn’t really care. Marissa felt like she had a new lease on life. The stuff she thought was so important was just stupid stuff. She was seeing clearly now and felt hopeful and filled with the strangest sense of peace she had ever known.
Marissa made a decision that day, standing in the same spot she had met Ted. To stop living her life with her head down working her self to death. Because she had done it, she was dying.
She decided to take a holistic approach to her healing and began the process of making some changes in her life. Her diet changed. Her work schedule changed. Her apartment changed. She was meditating and praying, reading books about awakening the eternal spirit and healing from within. It seemed to be working, she felt better in the last two months than she had ever felt in her entire life. She had also started exercising, every day after work she would walk a five-mile loop around the pier passing the spot where her life changed. It was the strangest thing to see someone else standing in the same place feeling hopeless just like she had only two months ago.
She had a feeling Ted wasn’t feeling hopeless anymore. She smiled at the thought of him as her phone vibrated in her pocket. “I have to see you again; I can’t stop thinking about you. -Babe Ruth-”
Looking out onto the busy street below of her highrise apartment Marissa smiled. “Me too, Ted.”
The How:
So, this is a rare experience for me as I am putting out the first draft of a story completely unedited, save for grammar correction. But as I reread Parts 1&2 last night my mind turned. I liked the humor and playfulness of the story. It is easy to digest and not a bad read. But I found my self feeling “Blah” for Ted and asking “why the Hell would a beautiful, funny, charismatic, person like Marissa be into this Blah of a man?”
Well with that question in mind I realized that two love stories are going on here. One is obvious: It is between Ted and Marissa.
The other should have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t until I went back and reread the story a few times that it became clear.
The second love story is between me the writer and reader and the characters. I realized if I don’t love the characters then I really could give a crap-less if they find love.
Which is why 2nd, 3rd and 4th drafts are so important, to be able to correct these things.
However, this is the only draft, so I needed to correct it. And it is possible to do so with your writing as well. Like Bob Ross would do if he messed up on a painting he would turn it into a tree or a rock, and it would give the painting more depth.
So, that is what I wanted to do.
Add depth: I did this by asking the question; what gives a person depth? What is it that we fall in love with as humans?
The answer for me, is our past and present vulnerabilities. It is the simple things that make us fragile humans that we fall in love with. Sure we are attracted to surface level things, but it is what lies below the surface where true love is found.
Which is why showing sadness and tragedy and the character’s response to it, is the quickest way to feel empathy for our characters.
Ted lost his mom and turned it into helping other people at the end of their lives.
Marissa was told she was dying and turned it into the best two months of her life.
It is seeing people at their lowest points and watching them rise regardless, that gives us thatunnameablefeeling for them, that sense of “UMMPH!” The goosebumps, right?
In art, the only way to show depth is by contrasting the light with the dark or creating shadows. When I write, I have to create shadows with words by telling stories of my characters past.
Why are they the way they are and Why do they deserve love?
Answer these questions in your story, and you will love writing for your characters. I know I do.
Hope you are enjoying this. Let me know in the comments what you think of the story so far. What would you have done differently?
If you are struggling today with Alcoholism or Addiction, please read this. Today is just another day. But it is another day in which I have been sober for six months (182 days precisley) Consecutively. To say six months is a miracle, I feel does God and what He, She, It, whatever, has done in my life a disservice.
For me, drinking had become an around the clock Marathon of how much pain and misery could I put my mind, body, and soul through before I blacked out or died. I lost all the jobs; I lost a business, I wrecked cars and relationships. I couldn’t see my kids, and I couldn’t even look at myself. I wouldn’t sleep most nights because night time was my favorite time to drink no pesky people or sun beating in through my bedroom window to burn the flesh from my eyes. I could sit in my self made hell prison and drink, thinking of all the ways the world did me wrong and judging everyone for their mistakes.
My mind had been lost; I hadn’t showered in weeks, the only reason I ever had to leave the house was to go to the liquor store. And that was a nightmare; I would shake and sweat as I dumped change on the counter and waited for the liquor store attendant to count it out, making sure all $6 were there so that I could take my pathetic plastic 5th of vodka home and find oblivion again.
My life was lost, I was waiting to die. I prayed most nights that I wouldn’t wake up. That was six months ago, on July 11th, 2018 God intervened in my life, and for some reason, the desire to die an alcoholic death left me. The desire to live had returned, as only a speck of light. And the first few days the journey was miserable as I walked towards that light. I was terrified and sick as the alcohol detoxed from my body. I had a panic attack every time I walked out my front door. It was Providence that saved me. With a day under my belt, I made a phone call to a friend in the program of AA. He invited me to a meeting where he suggested I get a sponsor and the guy he suggested, I asked.
I was so desperate not to die another day that I would do anything, even if it meant working a spiritual program and asking for help.
Well, I can tell you, and if you read any of my other posts, you will see. My life has completely changed today. I have found a passion and excitement for living I never thought possible all because of working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have found a new purpose for my life. I have written in spurts my whole life mainly drunken nonsense, never really thinking that being a writer was a path for me. I just couldn’t see it at the time. It wasn’t until I got clear about my life and decided that I wasn’t going to waste another second of my life doing something I hated just to make money. I decided I was going to do what I love no matter what and allow God to continue to take care of me and bless my life.
I have worked harder writing in the last three months than I have in my entire life and I have loved every second. There has been fear and doubt, but the love was there. My first two months of writing I published two books in my third month of writing, which is this month. I am working on my 3rd book, while also maintaining a daily ritual of blogging, again something I had no idea I would love until I started it. All because of AA and working the steps. I know that if I stop working the program, I will find myself right back in my bed shaking, throwing up and dying.
I don’t want that anymore, I want to live, and I am learning that living is uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes it’s stinky and nasty, and I want to run from it. But I am also learning that if I stand and face it, not alone anymore, but with my friends family and God, then I grow into the person I was always meant to be.
I am actively pursuing growth every day now because I know that It is the key to true happiness and freedom in life. It is why I started the series: How I Write a Love Story. Not because I love to write love stories but because they terrify me and I think I suck at them. But I know it is a crucial element in writing good fiction. So, then I will do it. Just like I will get on my knees and pray every day, exercise every day, call my sponsor every day, go to a meeting every day, meditate every day, and try and be of service every day. Because that is what keeps me sober and that is the only reason I am breathing and living a life I never thought possible today.
I have been told my whole life that practice makes perfect, well excuse my french, but that is BULLSHIT! There is no such thing as perfect, we are all human and to be human is to “ERR.” What I know today is that practice can only make one thing and that is Improvement, and as long as I am improving, I am living and no longer Dying.
Thanks for reading.
If you are struggling please feel free to reach out for help, I will answer to the best of my ability sharing what ever experience, hope, and strength I can. Your life is worth living and you are worthy of a good life.
The white stone building stuck out like a surley dwarf amongst a crowd of giants, arms folding and face scowling refusing to move.
“The Public Library?” Ted asked looking sideways at Marissa.
“Yeah, this place is great. When was the last time you checked out a good textbook?” Marissa said with a smile looking up to the roof of the two-story fortress.
“Uh… Is this like the stalker joke?” He asked watching Marissa gaze up at the building. She was a beautiful woman, delicate skin, with shocking blue eyes and a dazzling smile. Turning Marissa looked at Ted.
“No way man, let’s get in this stinking library and pay are past dues!” She said with a laugh pulling Ted along with her up the concrete steps leading to a massive wooden door.
The air inside the library was thick with a smell of stale dust and worn paper. It made Ted cough as he entered.
“Come on; I was just joking about the library, we aren’t senior citizens yet. This place has the best coffee shop on the roof.” Marissa pulled Ted along to the elevator just right of the reference desk where a woman in her late hundreds stood, ears perked for the slightest hint at a sound. She was eyeing Ted and Marissa with an expectant glare.
Ted didn’t want to give her a reason to shush them, so he walked as quietly as possible with Marissa to the Elevator. Once on board, Marissa pressed the button labeled “R” for roof and just as the doors were closing she let out the loudest screech of what could only be described as a bird call, “Braaaaaaatt!” The elevator doors closed as the librarian startled to life.
“What the hell was that?” Ted said with a laugh.
“Birdcall, I honestly wanted to see if she was still alive. I did it out of concern.” Marissa looked at Ted with a concerned smile nodding her head.
“Haha, you are a strange bird,” Ted said.
“Was that a joke?” Marissa looked at Ted mouth wide and eyebrows raised. “Not bad Babe Ruth.” She said as the elevator dinged and the doors opened to the roof of the library.
The coffee shop was a building about the size of a small apartment with all glass walls and decorated with white Christmas lights hanging off the roof.
“Wow not bad,” Ted said impressed
There were only three other people in the coffee shop, which was filled with chairs, tables, and one massive bean bag chair, sitting cramped inside the double glass doors.
“One of New Yorks best-kept secrets,” Marissa said pulling open the door, the smell of freshly ground coffee greeted them along with a light melody of some form of classical music. The atmosphere inside the shop was warm and inviting.
“Two cups of joe, please. Ted, how do you like it?” Marissa asked.
“Black.” He said.
“Just like your soul. You got it,” she said with a smile.
Two cups of black coffee, please.
The barista poured the coffee and handed it to Marissa who headed straight for the doors back outside.
“Where are you going?” Ted asked
One, sec.” She said stepping outside and placing the two mugs of hot coffee to cool in the cold night air.
Walking back inside she made her way to the massive bean bag chair.
“Hey give me a hand with this Ted.”
“What? I don’t think we are supposed to move it,” Ted said looking around nervously.
Marissa didn’t wait and began dragging the chair outside the double doors; Ted quickly jumped to help.
“Ma’am! Ma’am!” The Barista called, ” you can’t take that outside!” Marissa ignored the twenty-something Barista barely looking up from his smartphone as he said this.
“Once outside Marissa plopped down in the bean bag chair with a mighty, “AHHH!”
“You are going to get us in trouble,” Ted said.
“Oh, that kid doesn’t care, look at him he isn’t even paying attention anymore.” Ted looked inside the Barista was back to doing whatever it was he was doing on his phone.
“Now come sit next to me Babe Ruth, Check out this view.” Marissa patted the spot next to her eyeing Ted.
Plopping down and immediately sinking into the chair Ted rolled helplessly towards Marissa unable to keep himself from sliding into her.
“Ha… Sorry. Not a lot of room.” Ted said nervously laying back.
“That’s the idea; you got to keep me warm it’s freaking freezing out here Ted.” Marissa handed Ted his coffee as the two sat back looking at the night sky.
Ted felt so strange, he just met this woman, but he already felt more comfortable with her after 20 minutes than he had felt in 3 months with his last girlfriend.
“So, you been striking out a lot, huh? Marissa asked still looking up.
Clearing his throat, Ted answered, “ugh-huh, Yeah. It hasn’t been the best year for me when it comes to romance. Everything else in my life seems to be moving right along, the way its supposed to but finding Love is the one place where it just isn’t happening. I mean I feel like I am doing everything I am supposed to do, you know? Maybe I’m just not cut out for love.” Ted looked at Marissa expectantly
She didn’t respond. Instead, she sat there one arm behind her head smiling. After a few minutes, she said, “Or maybe you’re looking in the wrong places.”
“Well, what about you? You go around from pier to pier picking up strangers and bringing them out to your secret hideaway?
“Ha! Yeah, something like that.” Marissa said, taking another sip of her coffee. “Hey, you hungry?” She asked.
“Uh, yeah I could eat I suppose,” Ted said looking at his watch, he hadn’t thought about it, but his dinner reservation just passed.
“Great you got food at your place?” Marissa said smiling and raising her eyebrows, hypnotizing Ted with her sparkling blue eyes.
“What? My place? Ha, we just met.” Ted was a bit taken back at this woman’s bravado.
“I know, we should really eat something. Nothing better to get to know a person than to break bread with them. It’s biblical man.” She said standing and grabbing Ted’s hand yanking him up.
“I think I might have some stuff at my place,” Ted said standing with a smile.
Their clothes were nearly off before they reached Ted’s door. Marissa was like a wild animal grabbing and pulling on Ted, removing his shirt as he turned the key in the door. Ted turned back picking up Marissa as she threw her legs around his waist, pulling off her shirt as the door closed behind them throwing them into the darkness of the apartment. They went crashing around yanking and tugging off more clothing kicking off shoes, wildly kissing one another before they reached Ted’s room and threw themselves on to the bed. The feeling of elation and electricity passed between them, hair standing on end. Ted saw the streaks of blue electricity arching between their naked bodies.
Ted woke up the next morning feeling satisfied and overjoyed. He couldn’t believe his night. Or his luck, Marissa was different than anyone he had ever met before. He felt strange with her, more fearful, but more courageous at the same time. His head was swimming with the thought of her touch. Reaching over hoping to wrap his arm around Marissa’s delightful body, he was disappointed to find only air and a piece of paper. Opening his eyes and rubbing the sleep from them he sat up grabbing the folded note and opened it.
The How:
So today I asked my self one simple but difficult question to answer. For me anyway.
What does falling in Love look like?
I want to say this too, this question and this project scare the crap out of me as I am creating this story as I go. But, by honestly trying to answer the questions I present. I am given the answer that came to me and the story that came out of it.
Falling in Love looks like, this unexpected friction. It looks like falling into what is happening and accepting a situation a person or a thing for what it is — making a choice, deciding to receive love. We know so far that Ted was looking for love or at least a date before he so woefully threw in the towel. It was in that moment of giving up that Love showed up for him. But not in the way he was expecting it. It was only because his guard was down and he had given up was he able to take the leap and just go with what was in front of him.
What I am learning in this process of doing something that scares me and challenges me. Is that if I ask my imagination a question and forget about the fear of not knowing the answer and just write. Stuff comes out. The amazing thing is, whether anyone likes this story or not, which I do by the way. Is my imagination is trying to learn to answer my question of what does Love look like?
Today it answered it by telling me that, Love is a leap of faith. It is an acknowledgment and acceptance of what is right infront of me and I get to choose each moment to accept Love or reject Love. But that it is always there, if I can open my eyes to it. And sometimes the only way my eyes can be open to it is through desperation.
This is a profound and incredible thing for me. It is the whole reason I am doing this series. I don’t know, what I don’t know. But as long as I am willing to ask the questions and write through the fear I learn what Love looks like in the process.
We still don’t know Marissa’s story, but I promise it will come out. It has too. What we do know is that she is willing to take a chance with a stranger. Is this just a case of loose morals or something more? What’s up with the Note?
Tomorrow I will continue the Love story of Ted and Marissa. I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am. Let me know in the comments.
Have a great day.
If you are just joining, check out the begining of the story by clicking the link.
Ted stood, for what felt like the hundredth time this week, alone on the same sidewalk overlooking the pier. How did this keep happening? Was all he could think. He was a good guy, somewhat attractive. He had a good job was consistent and secure. He even read all the books on how to find the “One.” Why then was he failing so miserably? The flowers in his hand drooped as his head hung in despair. “Well, thats it I guess, Love wasn’t meant for you, Ted.” He said lifting the bouquet of roses and threw them as hard as he could into the water. The roses broke apart and showered the sea below in a dance of red and green on the ocean of blue and white.
“Nice arm man, you play ball?” A woman’s voice said from behind Ted.
“Huh?” Ted said turning around to a blonde woman wearing a black pea coat and looking cold, her cheeks were rosy from the wind, and her eyes were squinted with severe discomfort.
“Huh?” She said back mocking Ted. “Do you play ball? You know baseball, football? Things with balls?” She said laughing at the last part.
“Oh, ha. No, I uh… There was a spider on those roses, and it freaked me out, so I chucked em.” Ted said, blood rushing to his face, utterly embarrassed by his ridiculous answer.
“Spiders can be scary; you should have let it bite you, what if it gave you superpowers like Spiderman?” She said smiling.
“I guess we will never know,” Ted said with a shrug. Wondering who the hell this woman was.
“Yeah, unless we see a shark swinging from buildings and shooting webs out of its fins.” She said looking very serious.
“Ha, yeah that would be strange. I am sorry, do I know you?” Ted asked walking closer to the mysterious women. It was a fiercly cold night, and the wind had picked up biting Ted’s neck as he pulled his collar tighter around his face.
“No… No, I don’t think so? I was just out enjoying the weather and saw you heroically defeat a spider and thought I would commend you for it.” She said smiling through the cold, teeth chattering a bit.
“Well, I am Ted. Thanks for the kind words. Honestly, though there was no spider, I got stood up again. These damn online dating sites are a crap shoot.” Ted said sticking out his gloved hand.
“Hey, Ted! Marissa, nice to meet you. Sorry, you got stood up. Probably not the best idea to set up a date with someone in January in New York on a pier. Maybe the weather was a factor? Marissa said shaking Ted’s hand.
“Well, you are out here in January. Maybe you’re crazy!” He said, realizing to late she had said nothing about him being crazy and maybe sounded a bit to harsh. He was just having a hard time accepting that his love life was broken beyond repair.
“Ha Ha, oh Ted. Maybe I am crazy, maybe the only reason I am out here is that I have been stalking you for months now on social media and waiting for the right moment to strike.” Marissa said, eyes wild.
“Wow, ok lady look I am going to get out of here. Have a nice night.” Ted was freaked out now. This is what women where like now, crazy stalkers. No wonder he had a hard time finding the right one.
“Oh Ted, take it easy,” she said laughing still. “No one is stalking you. It is called a joke.” Marissa said smiling brightly. Her eyes lit up sparkling blue, and she had a beautiful smile that could have been seen from across the street.
“Oh… yeah, sorry.” Ted gave a pathetic chuckle. “My head isn’t in the best place right now. This isn’t the first time I have been stood up. It’s happened three times this week.” Ted was looking down at his feet embarrassed.
“Not bad man, I am impressed. You know the greatest home run hitters in history struck out more than they hit home runs. They just never stopped swinging. I guess you do play ball. You wanna go get some coffee; you can tell me why you deserve love more than everyone else.” Marissa said reaching out to Ted, inviting him to come along.
“What, I don’t think I deserve it more than anyone else. I just know that I deserve it.” Ted looked offended.
“Well then keep swinging big guy. Come on let’s get out of this cold I need some thing hot and stiff in my life, and I might not be talking about a drink?” Marissa laughed and winked at Ted, who was unable to keep the smile off his face this time.
“Fine,” Ted said.
“Alright, that a boy! So how long you been playing ball?” She asked.
“You mean baseball or dating?” Ted asked confused, as the two walked off together arm in arm.
The How
So with any story, we need a setup, and we have started with a fair one. The main character has just thrown in the towel on dating or in this case the roses. And believes that Love is all but lost to him, or it must not be in his cards, because he has everything that could make a person Lovable, right?
Enter in the love interest, at the depth of Ted’s hopelessness. Seemingly out of nowhere. This technique is used often in writing love stories. Show the Setup, which includes a letdown, followed immediately by a chance encounter.
The question of what Marissa was doing out on the pier that night is something we will find out as the story progresses along.
Notes
Today I learned to start with the setup, by asking these questions.
Who is my main character?
What has happened that makes him believe he is hopeless to find love?
What qualities does he possess?
Who is the love interest?
I have answered these questions at the beginning of my love story above. The main character is Ted, an attractive hard working, good guy that has taken shot after shot at finding the women of his dreams. Marissa is the love interest, even though Ted doesn’t know it yet, and maybe Marissa doesn’t either. That is all stuff we will find out.
Mission
My goal is to write a short love story about Ted and Marissa. While also explaining how I am doing what I am doing along the way. If you enjoyed the story so far check back into tomorrow where I will continue the Love story of Ted and the mysterious Marissa.
I am on a mission to grow my ability as a writer and Love stories are something I have never really done. But I know that the only way to get better at something is to practice it. I am doing this as an excercise to stretch myself and if anything I do is helpful to anyone else than it will be a bonus.
I hope you all enjoy this. Please feel free to leave comments or ask any questions you may have or critiques. I am on a journey of self discovery and I am finding I have to lose myself to truly be found. Happy writing.
Seeking Purpose Today 