Sherrie and I have a new Mic, so the quality isn’t crappy anymore. In this episode, we talk about the inevitability of change and suffering in life and how we go about dealing with life’s most difficult situations. Also, we talk about farts for a bit. Enjoy.
Seeking purpose today is my goal, discovering a reason and a need to get out of bed and do something, anything. Because, unfortunately, I have spent a large portion of my life aimless and without purpose. Wondering, and depressed, drunken and alone. So I started writing, I started working on my purpose, I started this website seekingpurposetoday.com for the sole reason to discover this purpose and transcribe my findings to the masses.
In the past 19 months of my sobriety from alcohol and drugs I have come to many profound realizations and have tried my best to expound on them here. However, like an archaeologist looking for old bones, I feel that I have finally stumbled on to the truth I have been seeking.
First I would like to share with you my failures, the paths that were colored with roses and beautiful signs only to be dead ends or lead right back to where they started.
My first failure was in writing and publishing my very own books. Not that writing and publishing your own books is wrong, that for me I saw a path that I had desired as a child, pushed away in a dark corner with a typewriter, writing about dystopian futures and alien abductions. But, I didn’t see this as only a beautiful calling of my imagination, I saw it as a paycheck, as a spotlight. I saw writing and publishing as a trophy and I wanted to have all the trophies in the world and for them to be bigger and brighter than all your trophies.
I lost my way, I no longer wanted to write because I loved to write, I wanted to write for fame and glory for money and prestige. So, my path turned back on itself and I found myself back at the beginning, starting over.
Second, was Social Media. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, all the necessary marketing tools I would need to build my book club of world domination. And with a fever of possession by a demon of glory, I tore into the Social Media game with hopes of building a community that would love and adore me and also buy all my books.
I became obsessed with numbers, with likes, with the attention of people that would flock to my positive and witty energy. The people that seemed so into reading and writing. I knew I had a market and so I took another path, one disguised as helping others, but with a wicked vain of helping myself.
I leveraged my social media interactions to create a YouTube show.
And this was my Third failure in seeking purpose.
UniWeb Interview Show. A place where I would interview other authors and creatives for the sole purpose of getting more attention to their work. What a great idea, I think I invented, I also invented the light bulb. Anyway, it worked. People were interested and more importantly, I was on fire with Purpose (with a capital P). I honestly did think I was doing this to help people and maybe in the beginning I was, but if I am being honest, I was doing it all for myself.
I was quickly becoming a champion for writers, I was seen as a source of light in a dark place that is self-publishing. And boy did I love that, for a while. Unfortunately, the tricky problem with alcoholics isn’t so much that we drink way too much is that we are incredibly selfish, manipulative and well addicted to feeling good. And, even if I was obviously only out for myself, I have a way of deluding my mind to the true intention of my ways.
Again, I found myself back at the beginning of the maze. I would like to point out that when I say I found myself back at the beginning I mean, I found nothing but an endless fathom of more, more, more. I lost all joy in the attention, or attainment it felt so empty that I put myself back at the beginning.
My next failure is a more recent one and one that I believed would be the truest test of my purpose in life.
Failure number 4, Stand up Comedy. I had spent so many years fighting with myself about getting on stage and trying stand up. Why, because my whole life I had been told I was funny or just laughed at. So, this was a path that felt predestined and with it the weight of destiny. Because I knew at this point, if Comedy was not, “my thing” then I was screwed.
Comedy was the last house on my block, the last remaining pillar from my old life, yet to be fully explored and worked on to see if it might be the true tree in the garden. You already know where this is going, it’s not. Another dead end. And not because I wasn’t any good, but because it again screamed at me of Narcissism and Ego. This incredibly vain attempt to again lift myself higher than the rest of the world and regardless of how you all feel about this, I felt like a cheap hooker.
I lost any real purpose when I made my purpose getting on stage and being the most interesting person in the room. I also believed that I was meant for greatness on the stage and that I deserved to have success. Which again are traps.
But I realized something, in all my endeavors that ended in failure and dead ends, the reason they led nowhere was that they were worth nothing. They were a means to my ends. I saw the paths of each of these failures as actual paths, and at the end lay my reward.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. There is no reward at the end of my path, and I have come to humbly realize that.
True reward, is found in virtue, in sacrifice. In doing the right thing because it is the right thing. All other paths lead to nowhere, they will either swallow you into the abyss or you can choose to turn around and go back. Start the journey anew.
See in seeking purpose today, I have also been seeking truth. I have filled my life with enough false promises and idols. The only thing that interests me now is truth.
And the truth is- we are all made to suffer something in some way. It is the shadow that gives depth to the light. It is literally what makes us 3 dimensional. So, then the only real choice we have to make is what virtues to have, and this I found is the answer.
I can not allow myself to get lost in distractions anymore, because I do not want to deal with the real responsibilities in my life. I must do what is in front of me each day and in that I will find the true freedom.
You see as an alcoholic, finding distraction is a way of life. However, as a sober man distraction is death and a path to damnation. Fortunately, for me I have come to find the only real purpose in life is discovered daily by simple practices. Practices that may not seem fun or glamorous, but we have established that is not a path I want to be on. Purpose is easy on the path of virtue, it says: Pay your bills, raise your children, treat people with kindness, and give thanks for what you have. In these daily practices life opens up to me and for that I am grateful.
We are human are we not? The imperfect, unpredictable mass of consciousness constantly swirling and stirring up the hornets nest that is reality. It is interesting that as this imperfect form we can stand to be so self-righteous in our own thoughts and actions as if there truly is a perfect way to be and act. That there actually is a right and a wrong. That we could even ever possibly conceive of all the ineffable realities that exist in the past of all humanity, let alone all the potential realities of the future to be so arrogant as to say, “this, this is the right and only way.”
Alas, here we are again. Righteous as ever in our noble causes, screaming at the unrighteous for having the nerve to spew righteousness at us. The swine.
You see, I have struggled. I have wrestled and argued, pleaded and begged with myself and others to see it the right way. I have been, how should I put this… Delusional. Yeah, delusional that would be the word to describe me. It is OK though as I am not alone. Fortunately, we are all completely delusional, the tricky part of delusion is that you don’t really know you are in delusion until it confronts you in a package you dislike immensely. Such is the nature of God, good ol’ God, always confronting me with truth even when I am busy screaming and yelling with the joyous voice of righteous rage. How dare you God, jk. Thanks.
Amazingly, we all walk around with this air of arrogance and righteousness that the way we view the world and the way the world should work has been divinely given only to us. Aren’t I a special boy. Unfortunately the message was given but the way that was given to deliver it was possibly missing. I mean sure pointing fingers and aggressive hate towards one another works well in a lot of regards, but when trying to spread a message of Universal oneness and love, Meh, it falls a bit short. Yet, that is precisely what I find myself and, not to point fingers, but a lot of us so called lovers of peace and unity doing. “Listen you idiot agree with me or Die, because I love everyone dammit.” Talk about a mixed up message.
Look it’s not like we don’t all want the same thing, joy, love and happiness, right. But I get the feeling and I will speak for myself here that I only want it if I was the reason it happened. It is a selfish, arrogant character defect that I struggle with, but raise your hand if you can relate. Does anyone else want to feel special for being the one that saved everyone? No, just me. Fine.
Any way, the yelling, screaming, anger and disgust we show each other has to stop. I need to look and see that each and every individual has their very own righteous reason for being upset and feeling justified in taking it out on another. But, if I can see that, can’t I see that everyone feeling righteous in a different respect takes away the righteousness. Subjective righteousness is not righteousness, it is an opinion and like assholes everyone has one. Unfortunately for us we are all waving our assholes around saying, “this is THE ASSHOLE.”
Objective truth is what is in my opinion of the utmost importance. So, here is the objective truth.
I don’t know.
To those who do know, congratulations we are building you a church. Should be ready, let’s see… February 31st.
Let’s really Love each other. Peace, Tolerance, Acceptance, and Service.
Be Well,
Matt Whiteside
In darkness, we cherish the moments that are filled with light. We see the savagery of the world we live in and turn away from it, a hopeful denial of lost truth.
A truth that we knew had been lost long ago, yet we still hold onto the hope of paradise. We needlessly suffer in search of the paradise brought to reality through the attainment of pleasure.
And still, we bleed. A lost soldier wandering in the wilderness, begging every passerby for salvation. Dirt and dust-covered, outlining the ocean of sadness poured out from the very things that were designed to perceive the light.
It is not our inability to see the light, or even choose the light. It is our inability to deal with the darkness, to peer into the black abyss and understand it.
I have sought, purpose, truth, meaning, love, joy, and happiness, for my entire life it would seem and amazingly I end up back in the darkness, in suffering.
So, I have to ask, “Why Suffering? Why do I always come back to suffering, when all I want is joy?”
It may seem backward to some and obvious to others but, the reality is, in chasing pleasure and all that I want to fulfill me I am actually blinded by the light. The fact is we live in a time with so much abundance and choice that we are stuffing our selves with satisfaction and pleasure to death.
When the light of the world kills those that were once nourished so easily by it, darkness will fall on the land and a new peace will reign.
There is a reason Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Suicide are at all-time highs. We have everything and anything we could ever desire and consume it to the fullest limit of our capabilities. The sad truth is that even when we have had our fill, something inside us says’s ” What else? I need more.” And when we know there is nothing left to give the insatiable desire we succumb to the apathy of hopelessness and feeling lost.
When we seek the light, we find it easily, at first. Why because our Universe is full of light. It is an abundant, plentiful garden easily replenished and we need only ask for that which we require and our cups will overflow. But, over time the amount of light and choice, the amount of abundance can overwhelm when not balanced properly. So, we no longer are in search of light, but a brighter light or a different color light, something other than the light we so easily perceive.
Unfortunately, we no longer have the capacity to see the truth, our eyes have become blinded to the light around us and so we fall into the darkness while staring at the light. I liken it to snow blindness, all though our eyes are open and we are taking in what is around us we are so overwhelmed by the brightness of life we can no longer differentiate up from down, good from bad.
This I know can sound a bit blasphemous, but hear me out. The incredible abundance and resources that surround us, to bring us joy, are the exact reasons why we are all so fucking depressed. We no longer, perceive the true beauty of the light, because there is no real darkness in our lives for which to judge. And Depression is a recalibrating of our souls. Pulling us, begging us to come to our senses. Depression is calling to us to look at the suffering in my own life. Look at the darkness in my Depression. It’s screaming with a ragged voice, “Look at me. Deal with me, Goddammit. You are going to die if you don’t.”
But we don’t, we are too terrified of the dark, to lost in the light that we can not bring ourselves to see the truth anymore, and because of that, we want off this ride.
Think of it like this. For hundreds of years, human’s used the night sky to navigate from one place to another. Of course, we all know that the North Star was a point of reference for many successful voyages. Think if these explorers used a different star every single night. Would they have ever gotten anywhere? Would they have likely killed themselves by walking in circles? It was an acknowledgment of the brightness of the North Star against a backdrop of a million points of light. But it takes a person willing to focus not on the light but the Darkness that will see the trueness of light in their own life.
For me this has become a call to life, a screaming in the darkness, the lives being lost because of the blinding light. It is a call to focus on the things I would gladly suffer for. I am called to suffer in this life no matter what, and the incredible thing is, I am drawn to pleasure so simply and easily, the greater my suffering the easier it is to see the light in my life. The greater the light the harder it is to appreciate the light.
If I seek suffering, joy is sure to follow. Avoiding suffering only brings more suffering.
Choose suffering and be reborn into the trueness of the light that radiates all around you.
I feel like the embodiment of struggle. On most days I feel this way like each breath is a choice I have to make and the argument to make it isn’t as compelling as it used to be. So often I feel like what’s the point. What’s the point of getting up every day and doing what I did yesterday, so I can have what I had yesterday? It doesn’t just feel like insanity it actually is insanity.
The variety of life seems to have lost something. Where have the days gone that were filled with wonder and awe at the simple things? Why do I chase after any form of mastery over myself or a skill? What’s the point?
God, seems to have answered this question for many of us throughout our lives. Life seems to find a way to say here is the point, especially when chasing down the trail of “Fuck it, there is no point.” Down that path is more pain and damnation than any human soul can bear, at least that has been true for me. And in the times of desperation brought on by such, Fuck It’s, I found purpose and meaning in my life. I find that life is a beautiful puzzle that I get to play a part in. The significance of my piece is not up to me or anyone else, it just is what it is. In those moments I feel free of the pain of, “what’s the point?” I feel alive again.
Shouldn’t I be able to have that basic feeling without having to destroy myself all over again? It’s like God is telling me “Wrong way, not here. Turn back and find the right path, because this ain’t it.” So, what do I do? Where do I start from, this time?
Start from where you are. There is no other place to start from. Do what is in front of you, even though you don’t feel like it. You don’t always feel like working out, but when you do most of the time you feel better. You don’t always feel like going to a meeting, but when you do you almost always feel better. You don’t feel like living today but you will and you have always felt better about it.
I need to be shaken from my feelings it seems, I let them control me and I become a feeling monster. Hidden in the dark and rampaging through the streets of my mind, screaming and destroying everything it touches because it feels like it. The anger, the sadness, the Depression with a capital “D”, that I have turned into an Idol, all to get me high.
They put me in a victim mentality, in a low place, of poor me and from that place I can be different from the world and fulfill my destiny as not human but subhuman or inhuman. Because in reality, I am really striving for special, I want to be special and the day to day mundaneness of life is not special. Everyone does the same thing every day, everyone has to go to work and take care of their responsibilities. Well not Matt, you know why? Because he is special. And his difference of the way his mind works will allow him to sit in darkness judging the world and proudly declare that he did it a special way, the way of Gods. And he feels high in that state when in reality no one knows him anymore and he has been forgotten. Locked alone in a room drinking the poison that makes him believe he sees deeper and understands pain better than others. It makes him feel better than others, all the while he is dead, a ghost.
He left behind a memory of the sadness a memory that no one wants to remember so they don’t and in that he never existed at all. A wasted life by a man that thought he was different so different that he didn’t even really exist.
How is that for not feeling like it today?
The image of me or anyone running from death is an interesting one. It speaks to our delusion that Death was ever chasing us. Let me ask, does the Ocean chase the rain? No, of course not, why would it. No matter what, the water always returns to the source. So, in the same way, why do we run, hide, try to escape going back to the source?
Do you think there are famous rain drops or ice cubes? One’s that brag about their time around bigger bodies of water? As if the ice cube goes to its ice cube buddies and says ” I met an iceberg, and not just any iceberg, the iceberg that sank the Titanic!” The other ice cubes would say nothing in response, because, well they are ice cubes and don’t talk or have thoughts, as far as I know. But put that same frozen bundle of water molecules in a human and Bam! A Starstruck water molecule.
So then, Why? Why, do we transform meaningless into meaning? Why do we play the image of us daring to evade death as though it pursues us? Why do we believe ourselves to be so important?
Because We Have To!
Why must we invent purpose? Because we don’t know when the next time the ocean will let us be an ice cube. How can we know? We don’t remember being the ocean, we only remember being this. And although this form is a bit hazy, it is still what is “right now.” And, if we live in an infinite timescape where eternity is possible, then this must be part of eternity, right? I mean eternity is forever. Some will say, “no eternity is forever in that direction, the direction in front of us.” But, that doesn’t hold up, because that would still put us smack dab on the eternal timeline. “But”, they say, ” we will be in a different form.”
Ooooohhh, Like water vapor then? “Yes, well… no… kinda. What’s your point?”
My point is The Conversation. Eternal beings, in an eternal Universe, looking for beginnings and endings to break up all this eternity.
And my point is the conversation because the conversation is Life.
If I was born here, became conscious and said, “Hey this is all pretend, I’m actually eternity, I am all the Universe, I am the Ocean pretending to be a drop of water, the games over and I go back to infinity.
I have to allow myself to get lost in the play of characters, and fear and death and life, so that I forget for a moment that I am not going anywhere. That none of this is real and that I am alone. As the Ocean is by itself so it waves. Even a single drop of rain falls apart and becomes vapor to experience not being alone. The Universe tears itself not in two but into Infiniti and dresses up all the pieces so it is not alone. It wants the conversation because without it there is nothing and so we run from death.
Life is pain… Life is pain and suffering… Life is pain and suffering and sometimes popsicles.
I mean it’s not all bad, right? Sure, it feels all bad most days. Sure, it feels like, ” What is the point of going to the job again, to pay my bills? I don’t even like these bills.” So, then what is the point. What is the meaning of any of it?
When I was a child I would spend most days outside, running around with other kids in the neighborhood doing anything. Digging holes with my mom’s spoons, playing basketball, playing doorbell ditch, riding bikes downhills that aren’t safe to drive down.
Why? Well, because what else was there to do? And, why not? As kids, we poured hour after hour of ourselves into all the stupid little things kids do and found ourselves full of energy and joy.
We lost track of time, of eating or drinking, you know the basics of human survival. We didn’t care that we were covered in sweat and mud and our clothes were ruined. Did it matter? No, not really. Because we were so invested in the joy of experiencing the digging of dirt in the side of a hill with spoons, because we believed we could dig enough to make a cave, and that cave would be an amazing place to hang out in. It didn’t matter that it was at the back of our apartment complex and in plain view to anyone walking or driving by. No, we had a vision, a dream, of the greatest hideout since the Super Friends and we dedicated time to dig every day after school. We had most of the kids in the neighborhood working on this project and most of the spoons in my mom’s silverware collection.
It took over a week before we got caught by the maintenance guy in the apartment complex and had to stop our dig. Honestly, we didn’t put much of a dent in that hill, Red Clay is not easy to dig and we were using old silverware. My mom was not happy about the destruction of her spoons, but she did laugh when I told her what we were doing and patted me on the head saying, “Keep having fun, just don’t use my things to do it. You want a popsicle?” My mom is cool like that.
All us kids were pretty bummed when we were forced to quit digging, so we sat out by the hill and commiserated about it to each other. We got angry, we laughed, we decided it probably wasn’t the best idea anyway, got up and moved on. In less than 15 mins were back scavaging the apartment complex for hiding places we could set up base. Our kid base.
Because, as a little kid we knew it without even trying. We knew the meaning of life. Which is this.
Do Something, Do anything, and completely lose yourself in the process of it.
Then when its over, grieve it. Let it pass from you. Then do it again.
It really is that simple.
It’s not easy, but it is simple. The trick as we get older is to find things that we really enjoy getting lost in. As I have gotten older my attention has become more cynical and decerning, because I’m an adult and adults are serious dammit.
Being a serious adult is important, you got bills to pay and all those damn bent and muddy spoons to wash. How then does one lose one’s self?
See, simple. Just get started on doing what you want to do. Everything else that needs your attention will find your attention. You don’t even have to try. My bills show up in my mailbox, and when they really want money they call me or send letters with red ink.
What about my kids Matt? Great question, put them outside and do what they are doing with them. They will teach you the way of purpose and meaning. Getting lost with the ones you love the most is the best.
Then when you are done have some popsicles with them.
So, if we can go back and remember how to lose ourselves to the joy of doing something, anything, we will have lived a life worth living. A life filled with purpose and meaning.
That is ultimately what we want right? A meaningful life?
Well, there is the secret to it.
I should have charged for this, dammit.
Spppooooooooooonnnnnnnnnsssssssssss!!!!!
Seeking Purpose Today 