Its Time

Here I go… It’s one of those. The question is, If I truly believe and have faith in God then what’s taking so long. How have I not already been out living and loving and sharing joy and love with everyone I meet? I see it all the time and from me the majority of the time. Saying, “I have faith that God can work for me in my life, that everything will be ok no matter what. ”

Yet, still I flounder in fear, in joylessness, in terrified expression that I’m doing it wrong that no one cares or hell that I don’t really care. How silly of me. How hypocritical of me. Where is my real faith? In the comfort of my bed? Where is my real faith, in the comfort and security of a pointless job? Where is my real faith in the face of so many screaming at me, saying “we just want to be loved and happy” and for me to say behind these people’s backs you monsters, your anger and vitriol is pathetic, love one another you idiots.” Yet, I don’t share my love, my joy, my heart.

What am I waiting for? At what point will I say ok, enough is enough. Stop fighting hurt anger with hurt anger and bring something different. Bring love and joy, laughter and inspiration. If not now when, as if I have all the time in the world to share my gifts. When do I stop shrinking for fear of being seen?

I tell you the fear with which I have lived all my life is but a torch in the darkness saying, “this way.” It lends me passion to speak and clarity of mind to bring laughter. I can’t sit back anymore and simply talk about faith I have to move by faith.

If I truly believe, I mean really believe not just say that I believe that God is good and will take care of me, what is my fear but doubt. The time has come for those called to speak up not in anger or opposition of life but in favor and love for life.

For life was given to me freely, grace and mercy doled out in heaping quantities. All that is asked that I have faith and love those in my charge, those brothers and sister not of my nuclear family but those all around me. As If love was a finite resource that I must reserve for only one or two. It’s time to break free from the thought prison of this society and love with a full open heart. Bring to all people and all situations those gifts of life I would like made manifest in the world.

If not now, when? If not me, who? Let’s see some real faith. Not paint by numbers faith or faith on a stick. Faith with legs and arms. Faith with a heart mouth and mind. Faith with eyes filled with love and light. Faith pushed out to all the world, because death no longer holds me and insecurities no longer give me concern. I am a flower, a fig tree, a serpent and an eagle. I am the light and the darkness of the world. I am truly made whole by the oneness of God in heaven.

To pray and believe with out action is death a million times.

All In: Upon Awakening Podcast

https://anchor.fm/matthew-whiteside/episodes/All-in-e9vu2e

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https://anchor.fm/matthew-whiteside/episodes/All-in-e9vu2e

Sherrie and I go all in and make a huge investment. Although there is fear we choose to walk by faith. Click the link and enjoy the episode. 

Thanks for listening.

A Darkness Building Part 2 #writingcommunity #poetry

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The street lay bare the darkness and blood that lined the place only moments before now still as if it had been there for years.

A quick wind kicked in sending a high hiss through the stale lifeless night.

A streak of crackling light ripped into the midnight, sending electricity sparking in the misted atmosphere.

A rumble initiated the earth, slowly it built picking up in resonance as more light ripped through the sky.

This time the immaculate ignition of the skies lit up mission found the heart of the ground and fractured the site where the Warrior fell.

Light exploded from somewhere in the Hell, the space beyond the spell. The darkness was scorched by a blinding white light.

Screams of horror from the night’s pitch black fight. The minions and demons whaled, injured screams piercing the night.

They recoiled at first then began to draw towards the light.  Gathering their numbers a wave of shadow rolled in. Crashing into the light with force and might.

Washing over the light as the warrior rose his strength replenished sword beaming with bright.

The darkness exploded at seeing the site. The warrior had changed to become something new.

The nothingness that was, gone from him and replaced. The end was no longer the goal of his fight at long last he found his purpose not to end the night but to seek the light.

For this world remains dark and full of hate. The light comes from within something they can never take.

From the nothing to nothing it was thought but the Warrior was something was he not?

He found the link that binds us all, the spark the ignition the internal call.

And raised himself from the infernal place.  No longer looking for a saving Grace.

The peace was within him all along.  No night could steal from him what the night did not make.

His sword he set down as the earth continued to shake and the demons they roared with fear at the sight.

The warrior did something, They could not fight.

His battle was over and his path was clear no demon of hell or minion could stand in the might of the light that shone from this mans surrendered fight.

As the warrior walked through the lightless road the things around him began to grow.

It was never to be that this warrior in his fight

would swing and kill and end the night.

His only job in all of this was to understand he had been searching for what was within.

Dig deep into your soul and find the light.  It may seem to difficult to scary and bare.  It may feel as if nothing is there, but always has been and always will be there can be no nothing without something to see.

 

 

A Darkness Building (Audio) #poetry

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The loss of all life inside the estuary brought about more minions of death and doom than he was able to handle.

His instincts had led him down this road, fighting every demon with righteous wrath and a Feral call to the God of heaven that appeared before him in his darkest moments.

All the sweat all the blood.  All the loss and heartache that had strengthened his resolve had burned a hole in him that was hidden by rage and torn open by fear.

The road was in utter darkness for the way ahead had no end… no finish line.

The warrior’s sword slick with the sinew and death of the battles freshly won only to find more destruction with the next swing.

It was tiring, the endless darkness went on forever only to be ignited by the sheen of the blade as it made contact again with the next.  The spray of blood brought fresh waves of heat and nausea to the worn down warrior.

It would be over soon, he couldn’t continue in this fight for much longer as he poured soul and sword into the oncoming destruction.

He knew there was nothing he could do.  That the only way was to give up because the night would never end.  It was never meant to end, he was never meant to survive.

Yet he strikes with all the fury and fear of a man with a different destiny.  Of a man that believes there is a purpose to the slaughter.

He believes he can win even though there is no winning.  There is only darkness and it will swallow him as soon as he submits.  And then he will be free.

He does not see the freedom in the submission he only sees the failure.

As the Warrior stumbles and slips, the floor wet from the battles.

He trips and falls upon the ground as the minions gather to devour the kill they have been craving.  The one that thought his light could break through.

The warrior who fought for years and years never sleeping or eating, never stopping.  Beating back the plague of darkness that was born only to end him.

Now he stops unmoving save for the heavy falls of his breath from his ragged chest weathered and beaten from the unforgiving battle.

The light lost from his sword now taken in only by the darkness around him.

And

he

is

gone.

A foolish fight, by a foolish man.  To believe he could change anything.  His fight was for nothing and now he joins the nothing.

Because never was he more than nothing.

For all his belief and all his life, he could not overcome the night.

Dying to Live

My mind is on fire with thoughts. The past 2 days I have woken up and it’s felt like a fire drill in my head, ideas running crazy. It’s felt intense and also exciting because there is a ton of energy in that fire drill. It can be a scary place for anyone who suffers from depression, anxiety or just straight up fearful living as I believe is the root cause of both depression and anxiety.

This fear is apart of me, burned and traced into my neurological network as well as my physiology. It’s been a huge help to my survival for the most part until it wasn’t anymore. I ended up crossing a threshold where fear of dying over took any aspirations to try anything new and live. The fear became so crippling I tried anything to get around it without actually going through it. I tried alcohol until I was institutionalized. I tried drugs until I was weak and broken. I tried running to other states both physically and mentally. I tried blaming other people quiting jobs, fighting, fucking and for all of it I was still frozen in place by fear.

The fear of getting up and going right into the storm that was in front of me. The fear that had become the rest of my life. I thought I could hide from reality but no amount of alcohol or drugs can keep a person from the truth when the truth is the key to freedom and freedom was my only goal.

I was in essence dying to live in the worst sense of the phrase. I was literally only on the planet it seemed to die. I was suffering so badly every single day from the death at my doorstep that I hid in my home and barred the doors. I raged at the idea of being taken by death, I was me after all and I deserved to live forever. What kind of cruel God would put an incredible being like me here only to die? Well, the reality is we are all here to deal with our mortality and by seeing the true face of death when I finally decided to open the door and let it in I was gifted with the purpose of my life. Death wasn’t here to take me but to set me free. It was banging on the proverbial door to say “hey man, I wanted to let you know that you are gonna be ok. I’m here to comfort you not murder you.”

Weird I know being comforted by death but it’s true. The sooner I realized death was an ally a force for good and light in my world the sooner I learned how to live full of life and not die to live. I wanted to be immortal in this idea that I could live on this Earth with my family forever because I don’t want to not experience not having them. Then I saw what we really are and it’s way beyond this physical plane of existence but it also includes this place. The gift is that we get to truly love one another beyond the physical realm and become one in a massive Unified feild of existence and then experience the seperateness of physical exsistance to see how much we love eachother. That yearning to live forever as to never be without. However, it’s just a mask we wear and I had become so filled up with the idea of my own mask that I didn’t know how to live any longer. Death removed my mask and showed me true life eternal and that even death isn’t really death in the sense of, bye bye gone forever, but death in the sense of metamorphosis a changing into a new form a more realized crystalized form. Because the idea of death is simply the idea of freedom from, well, ideas of one’s self.

This is how I stopped dying to live and began living full of life. I am by no means always perfect at it and in alot of ways become fearful over and over again, but I keep going back to choose life by moving into metamorphosis and shedding of old ideas.

Stay froggy.

The Selfish Shellfish

One day there was a lonely crab walking on the beach. He had been alone for aslong as he could remember and thanks to his shell it would stay that way.

See the crab hated other crabs. He didn’t like the way they smelled, or looked with their buggy eyes and claws that were always trying to take his stuff. Infact the crab hated other crabs and actively avoided them.

Moving slowly along the beach one day Crabby the crab was suddenly jolted by an intense and heavy weight he couldn’t move and was terrified for his crabbing life. He thought what crab did this to me? What crab has trapped me so that all my crab things would be their’s?

The rock that had landed on Crabby Craberson was thrown from a pier by some unknowing human. But Crabby was trapped all the same. A thought occured to Crabby that he could come out of his shell and get out from under the rock, but he was afraid that would leave him vulnerable to other crabs. So instead he waited.

Finally Ol’Crabby Mccraberson couldn’t take it anymore, he had been stuck for days and decided to come out of his shell to get away. So he did.

Oh man did it feel good to be out of that shell, he couldn’t remember the last time he took it off. He had never taken it off out in the open before. He started to move and stretch, boy did he feel good.

Then a seagull flew by and ate him right up.

The End…

You’re not a crab.

The Holy Trinity in You: How to Experience it Fully

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I would like to go on a thought experiment with you. A thought experiment that has the ability to unlock the fullness of all your potential. Would you like to realize all of your potential?

Great, let’s go.

Take a moment and see where you are right now, take in as much as or as little of it as you would like. See the words, the people, the trees. Hear the feet on the ground the cars, the wind. Smell the air. Feel your body in contact with whatever it is in contact with. And notice the taste in your mouth right now.

Now, stop. Stop doing any of that sensory stuff.

Here is the experiment:

Imagine for a moment that your sense of taste was gone. Now your sense of touch is gone. Now your sense of smell. Now your sense of sound. Now and finally imagine your sense of sight is gone. What remains?

Mind:

I’m sure the thoughts in your head are as boundlessly racing as mine. Constantly interrupting and incessantly chatting. You still hear and see things but differently not with your eyes but with your mind. The vision is there, the hearing is even there and sometimes I can even imagine strongly enough that the feeling, tasting, and smell is there too. How is that?

How is it that with no senses, I can experience all of it. The Mind is stop number one on our Trinity Train because in the mind all the Universe is contained. If you don’t believe me try this on for size. Imagine you are in a car, your favorite kind of car. Now imagine you barely fit inside of it. Imagine the car is on a planet in another galaxy. Do you see it? Did you have to bow your head for a moment to squeeze in?

Anything you could ever want or desire is of the mind, is in the mind it exists up there somewhere, right? This is what we have been taught is the Father the disciplinarian, the Smiter, the teacher, and the miracle maker. The mind is all these things but you can drop the Father idea if it doesn’t serve you because let’s be honest the mind is a genderless formless idea and even calling it an idea is limiting, so let go of whatever keeps you from fully understanding that the mind is All Things and No Things.

Next, if all your senses where gone what would still be there working on your behalf almost unbeknownst to you, save for the fact that something inside you seems to be beating.

The Heart or (Body):

That’s right you guessed it, the heart. The ceaseless baseline that is not at our core, it is our core. The heart is the physical manifestation of the mind. And seems to beat to its own drum on occasion, however, if we listen with our inner mind, we can hear it speak to us. To the humanity of us. While the mind may be impartial in many ways having a, way up there, kind of perspective, the heart is down here with us, in the trenches being torn apart and put back together day after day. Always beating on our behalf. This is the Son or Jesus Christ that lives in us. You can understand this however you would like; I am using terminology that has been taught to me so if Jesus does not work use any Prophet’s name in its place.

The heart working in communion with the mind can teach us about how to live here on this planet at this time. And it also works completely out of our control. Realize that you are not beating your own heart right now. Neither am I, it is beating on its own accord and can cease at any time it would like. Fun right. Again, your heart beats for you so do not fear but listen to it.

So, we exist without senses and what remains that we can identify are our Minds, our Hearts, and lastly.

Breath:

The spirit, fully and totally out of our control. The deeper we breathe out the fuller we can breathe in. Weird, and it’s always there. In fact, this one gives life to the other two. We are innervated and risen by the spirit. Without it our mind would stop working and our heart would stop beating. The amazing thing about this breath is that it just exists completely free of form and time. We must decide to breathe it in of course but that is the choice to remain here or to pass on. The interesting thing about breath is that it is always with us whether we like it or not. Whether we accept it or not. And how deeply we are willing to be in the spirit is also our choice.

The idea that we can only keep what we have by giving it away is tied to the inhale and exhale of breath. I must be willing to let go of the spirit inside of me to remain in the spirit. Not only that but the spirit becomes life-giving to other things inside of me and transforms the world around me when I breathe it out. It is literally the breath of life for all things.

Here is the coolest part of all of this. If you can wrap your mind around this idea that we are the three in one. The stories of God, Jesus or Prophets, and the Holy Spirit are in fact You, there is nothing you can not accomplish in this world. Aligning yourself with the Breath, Heart, and Mind is the teaching of all spirituality. Our mind teaches us to be disciplined and imagine a beautiful heavenly place, our heart feels the need and love for such beauty and gets to work and the breath moves in and out of us completely free of us but with us all the same.

We are the container. The container is filled with Creation. Align your Mind, Body, and Spirit and live fully.

We are all unlimited as we all contain the fullness of Creation. If you are feeling less than, alone or like you are unloved. Know that we are all here together, we are Oneness experiencing a sensational separateness that is only skin deep.

Also, feel free to reach out to me if you would like to talk.